Christopher's blog it is what it is, you don't like it than don't read it

just not happy

2012-01-31T13:21:00.000-08:00

today was ok i guess... exept brittney wasnt being really nice from the start of the morning.... throughout the day she didnt really notice that i was unhappy... with what we were ganna try and do.... ive tried to find someone.... i have.... i just havent been good..... no one i can talk to at bartram... creekside doesnt seem so good either.... she had someone from the start, i had no one, so i gave up... but now she wants to make it go till the end of summer... thats months -cries- .... i wasnt really all that happy about it from the start... i cant go that long... i wanted it to be one day.. then i told craig its ok for a week... then even a month...... i cant do any more than that.. i cant... she wrote me a note today explaining it all.......... i know she loves me.... but how exactly... how was that saposed to help things? :( it cant possible help..... what about our 2 years coming up...... its saposed to be just me and her all lovey... not her and someone else while i feel alone at home :/ ... im not saying its ganna be that... i just feel like weve drifted way to far for me to be hapy anymore.... i want her back... i want us to just hang again.... just the 2 of us.... we can make time.. i know we can... -tears-.... i hate this... all 7th period i did nothing but tear up and draw... one of my good friends destiny asked me if i was ok... i just shrugged,,, im really glad shes my friend... kelsey as well... i was gann txt her last night and tell her howglad i was that she was my friend but i fell asleep b4 i could :/ ... ill try to remember tonight.....today is ganna be a black day... i have to go to work in less than an hour... i hope i get paid.. i need to pay that speeding ticket.... bad.... -sigh-...... i miss my baby already... very much.... i dont want to wait till the end of summer for things to be the way they used to be... i want them to be the way they used to be NOW...i need to have the old her back.... the brittney i knew 2 years ago... the brittney i asked out and know and love.... i want u back baby :'( ...... i didnt take the note in a bad way i just cant help but be sad when i hear that u want to extend this thing till the end of summer.... or at all for that matter.... it was saposed to be once... once and thats IT... i.... i want u to be happy... less angery... more happy just because we are bf and gf.... thats what i want... alot less anger.. and more happyness or just... less anger... baby im so afrade,,, i do NOT want to loose you brittney... and you talking about waiting for us to be together again no matter what.... what do u think is ganna happen? nothing should EVER happen... i set the boundries i did so that this DIDNT happen... if i said yes to ur note... then id feel like we are on a break from each other... and id feel like we werent together.... and then id do something id regret like cut... or scratch... or something bad to my finger.... i dont want to feel that and i dont want u to go through anything bad...... i just... dunno what to say.... at all.... i just feel.... alone..... i feel completly alone.... :'(

Sitting in class

2012-01-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

Im at school in 3rd period, kinda bored wanna go home.. Todays ganna be blah, but im trying to find something to do........ Its all good tho, as long as brittney is happy hangin with craig then ill be happy hanging alone or witj kelsey or something, I cant wait for the day to be over. Wish my coke would refill itself lol... Paige and kelsey keep drinking it all.... Now I want nachos -_-.... Anyway, im ganna try and post again.. I miss it... I hung out with Nicole for the first time in a long time... I liked it... it was chill... But hopfully shes ok today... I love u brittney... I do -kisses-

chillin like a villian in 2012

2012-01-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

im sitting here with craig in my room and thinking about my baby, still is brie, sry, havent poseted nothin lol what ev's.. anyway its now 2012, i still have my snakes and i have really only a few friends left, i hang with craig now more than anyone, (smokin hookah most the time lol) OMG I NEED TO TELL YOU THE STORY, i blacked out because of the lack of oxygen to my brain lol it hurt SOOOOO bad when i hit the floor, tho i dont remember -_- ... lol anyway i love you baby.. I LOVE U SO VERY MUCH -wraps arms around you-

yay!!! i can post agaaaiiinnnn!!!!!!!!

2010-12-29T17:35:00.000-08:00

First off im hoping Nicole sees this. she probably assumes i dont anymore lol but i will when i have time and now that i have a new laptop it will be a million times easier. i cant believe me and brie have been together almost eight months. thats as long as me and katy were together. its crazy how fast things are going by, Christmas just ended and it seems like just yesterday it was Christmas last year lol if that makes sense. anywho. im glad to be typing again. sorry i havent made a post in forever. ive just been super busy and its hard when you dont have your own computer. but its whatever, im sure Nicole will be happy to read it ^^ i hope she sees it :( like i really do.... anywho... i gots me some new fishies. i love em! just fed the snakes yesterday. that was fun. hung out with my baby yesterday and today!!!... god i love this music im listening to!!! i love colledge by asher roth, great song. soooooooo brie wasnt happy about my smoking, then she didnt care, than she cared again so i have one last cigar left and once i smoke it i guess ill just wait till im eighteen like i should, i mean, it would be the right thing to do right?... yeah.... so everythings been great! just strung Girlys new guitar yesterday, that was fun :) glad to do a friend a favor, anytime :D so now im just sitting here doing what i do best, and thats relaxing ^^ expect posts every now and again ok? <3

fucking amazing right now :)

2010-06-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

oks, so,, imma try and make this short sweet and to the point. me and Brittney are now dating :) weve been together for a little over a month now and were briliant together. i love her so so sooooo much. and i plan on having a long healthy relationshiop with her :) i think we will do great together :) and now im talking to Nicole believe it or not lol i was saprised to wake up to a txt from her ^^ weve been talking for a few hours now, and its actually going great :) im happy right now, im genuinly happy... ummmm what else. im finaly on summer break but i could really care less,id rather be at school. but thats ok, i do need a vacation beYOND all means, but eh -shrugs- sooooo imma really try and visit Nicole SOME time over the summer , she wants me to bring brie and i really will try. but if i cant, after today i dont think that will be odd anymore ^^ but i will try and bring brie as well :) and also imma try and bring them cupcakes lol sooo anyway, im talking to my baby on the phone ^^ txting my one and only Girly ^^ and im happy :) till next time, bye byeeeeeee <333

cinko de meyo

2010-05-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

today was amazing durring school, i was like on a freaking natural high, i love being around brie, shes amazing ^^ and things were looking great :) well recently her X Kyle has been giving her and everyone some trouble, hes making her feel like shit, and i was JUST on the phone with her she was crying because of him :( it needs to stop, they need to both leave each other be for a while till he calms down and shes better with him. anyway, i just, i hated seeing her cry, so i did what i could and i was able to cheer her back up thankfully and now shes better, i hope he just stops :/ anyway, sorry its a short post but im not in the mood :/ sry Nicole.

updates

2010-05-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

so for a while i havent blogged, really cuz i havent been on the computer much, but sorry that i havent.so resently ive been getting alot of questions and im not to sure how to go about answering them, other then things just got better. my plans actually having an impact in a posotive manner. im super glad it is too, cuz if this one back fired then id be done completly, and i mean it when i say DONE/ but its looking like thats not ganna happen :) things are getting to as closxe to normal as I THINK they have been all year. Craig and Nicole are getting great, they do really well together, i swear there ganna date. dunno when, but i freaking swear its ganna happen :) and good for them, they look absolutly amazing together, love yall :) ... i think ive grown as a person more this year then any other. i see the world for what it is and its staring right at me. and really.. im ok with that. because i know things are ganna be alright, i just chill out, leave the past in the past no matter what, even if i cant ever forget, and move forward, and live for today. not for yesterday or tomorrow... and thats exactly what ive been doing, and its working out quite nicly. and i think others will agree. anywho. im not as talkative to Nicole as i used to be, and i think it was to much, i needed to just stop for a while, i was hurting things SO much more then helping. so ive been backing off and i plan to continue that. now unless she wants to talk then i gladly will. but im chilling out. she needs less of me. but i think its actually bringing us to a point where were perfect. im just... im finished trying my ass off to push and push to climb that extra foot, ive tried for too long now and its gotten me no where. so im done. and thats fine with me, because we are great still :) loved the buss loop today btw, thanks Nicole ^^ so thats about all the updates on my girly. now i also have great news... it was a really REALLY hard dasission to make actually. i though about it long and hard and ended up choosing to take the plunge, im now in a relationship again, after KaTY I JUST,, i was SO afraid to date again because of everything that happend, and i just wanted to keep all my focus on Nicole, but i gave that a fair chance and it did nothing. it was only hurting. but things are good now as i said :) and if it wasnt for Nicole i would have never met this girl :) her names Brittney, shes pretty much the EXACT oposite of Katy, so shes amazingly sweet, has absolutly NO trusting issues what so ever , has NO controling issues. is super SUPER nice, and is just as sweet as can be ^^ weve now been together for 2 days, so im happy and cant wait to see where this goes :) but i DO wanna take it sloooooow, like weve been talking and good friends for a few weeks, so its wasnt so so quick, weve kissed on the cheek b4 but today was our first kiss as well :) cant wait to hang out some with her, shes great, EXACTLY the kind of girl i need. im super lucky :) so yeah, thats the update, nothin much else, i WANNA say some other things but cant, ummmm, but i WILL say this, IM GETTING A NEW SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D im SO SO SOOOOOO SUPER EXITED!!!!! im getting a year old female hypo red tail boa constrictor ^^ ive ALWAYS wanted one and now im FINALY getting one. i cant wait omg. shes sooooo beautiful and its even better cuz they get BIG ^^ ^^ ^^
soooo anyway lol sry bout that lil rant, thats the update, ill keep you posted :) love you guys :) (Nicole, Craig, Brittney)

April 25th

2010-04-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

last week totally blew, this weekends totally blowing and im sure too that starting monday its just ganna blow some more... i wish i could just fucking forget, but i cant. its right there in my face every single day, theres no avoiding it, it goes where i go, and i for some reason feel the need to go where it goes. im loosing, falling, not much left to do or say about it. Nicole, wish i could just come out and say it, but i cant, Craig, wish i could shake ur hand say thanks and just leave. not to sure whats happening or whats ganna happen. i have a feeling Craigs still talkin to her everyday. just cuz he always does, but shes taking a "break" this weekend. i wanna say something but just cant, she seems happy though, and good, thats all that matters to me is that shes happy, i could care less how much attention i get or how many hugs i get :/, yet it hurts and would be nice :/, but as long as shes happy, ill live. come tomorro it will be monday, ill start talking to her again, hopfully txting her again. just not now cuz craig told me not to, and it sorta sounds just like a plan hes got goin on, but i trust him and if he says next week somehow i'll be close to her again like he did, ill believe him. -sigh-. so yesterday i went fishing, caught 7 bass, crap fish but still, fun. today got up early and me my lil brother and my dad went fishing in the new boat, the pisser wasnt working so we had to go home after a lil bit. now im home and thinking again, need something BAD. but w/e. anywho. glad to see her nice status's :) i got one im about to post, dunno what ppl will think, but no worries so DONT freak the fuck out lol. just my thinking and wanting to talk but cant, so thats my alternitive. thats all i got (sorry i havent been blogging alot, just busy i guess(not rlly, just , yeah) but ill try to do my best) love you guys <3

April 22

2010-04-22T20:55:00.001-07:00

sooo. today sucked, plain and simple, the ONLY good part about today was only that i got to hang out with brittney for like an hour and a half :) later got a red bull and my poison to kill Craig B with. its black mamba venom (energy drink called venom and the flavor is black mamba lol) well idk where to start, got up this morning from my alarm, then when back to bed, then brie called me a few minutes later to give me a wake up call lol. found out it was earth day so i wore a bathing suit (idk) got to school. the morning wasnt to bad i guess. coulda been worse. walked to class with Craig like i do, great talking to him. then spanish reading Rae's story about a pen she wrote, veeeeery interesting. then biology, hada test, ganna go for a 75. then history, blah, then lunch, sucked. something wrong with my chest so i can hardly drink anything or eat anything, its such a sharp pain. ganna go to the doctor soon for it. but its w/e. wish i could give Rae a hug and her actually enjoy it. but eh, what can you do right?. so shes now limiting my hugs to 2 seconds which is total shit. that sucked just to listen to. i figure Craig can sit there and hug her for 5 minutes or more strait then i could at least have a moment where i could hug her for like 30 seconds or something every now and then. jeesh. then we left for class. math blah. then photo class, thank god, something im actually good at and can chill and have fun in, then band, yays, got to talk to mary-kate, shes awesome for a freshman lol. then english hadda take think link, thats w/e. then the busses, yays :/ it was fun tho i guess. gota little longer hug ^^ then went on the bus with brittney, wooooow walked through the door and i saw her sis. i thought she was her brother xD ahah. but she was cool too, it was really fun, i can deffinatly chill with brittney, cant wait to bring her to palatka with me for a weekend ^^ then went home, got my red bull to make me feel better. hadda go take a walk to get my mind off things, went to the pond and tried fishin a bit, hadda couple strikes but no fish, got eaten up by nosiums (gnats) so i hadda go home, i could FINALY take a shower cuz the water was finaly working xD then chilled with my grandad, now im watching fishing shows and txting Nicole :D night night :) i still love you Rae, and always will, u know that wont ever change no matter what :) -hugs-

April 20th

2010-04-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

the weekend sucked for the most part, but a few parts i totally loved ^^ today (tuesday) this morning was blah :/ my fault tho so w/e. then class, 1st, 2nd (started txting Nicole then lol) then 3rd, then lunch ^^ got my brother to bring my micky d's!! mwahahaha. gave Rae (Nicole) a hug then to make up from that morning cuz i forgot lol. then we all talked, a bit blah seein her in Craigs arms but w/e. its all good. then photo class was cool. then band, then english. then got home, yay!!!!! no ones home and hasnt been here allllll dayyyyyy!! ^^ ^^ ^^.txting Nicole, waiting for me neighbor to come ova and help me with this boating lisence test ugh! but its ganna be SOOOOOO worth it :D i have hw but eh, dont feel like doing it, talked to my dad today, everythings fine, mrs. Geoffrion hasnt called yet so thats good. and i guess im waiting for somethin, dunno, just feel somethings about to happen, o.O wierd xD anyway, byees ^^ love you Nicole ^^ <333 and HAPPY 4,20!!!!

April 14th

2010-04-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

today was good, this morning was fun, lunch wasnt so good, really blah. english was great tho, i got aplauded for my poem. that felt good. boosted me for a while. said goodbye at the busses and then got on the bus, talked to kyle on the bus bout a few things, got home, talked to a friend Morgan as i walked home with her, shes really cool, ive known her forever and DAMN is she good looking xD especually for a freshman lol but anyway, got home and started listening to music, felt a bit better, started planning on going to the pond to fish and to clear my mind, tried to get Craig to hang but he couldnt, again lol its all good. but i got back to the pond and started fishing, had a nice bass take the bait but then the line broke and i lost my chance, that was my only chance, nothin after that. went home, went to walmart to get Nicoles b-day gifts. i know its a month away but still. this way im not rushing 3 days b4 to get em. so i did that, i hope she likes em ^^ and then went to blazing reptiles for rats, they got out in my brothers car lol that was funny. got home, got yelled at for leaving the garage door open :/ but w/e. fed the snakes, completly forgot to make a feeding vid for youtube, so all i got on tape was them swallowing the rats, one strike, nothing good. fixed up the pastels (anna) cage, i put spagnum moss in it and sprayed it down to make everything moist that way next shed she has SHOULD be a good one, im getting sick and tired of these crappy sheds, ive had my fill -_- . so i did that. then now im watching river monsters and txting Nicole :) i wish i could be there more when she needed me, i hate that im not alot :/ -sigh-... but anyway, thats about everything, just some wierd shit happinin wit my body tonight. i hope it goes away by morning, if not theres NO way ima ganna feel good enough to go to school. so im keepin my fingers crossed -knocks on wood- . ummm bathed my dog .. again, it sucks cuz he smells soooo bad and im not even being paid lol but w/e. anywho. night.

April 13th

2010-04-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

woke up this morning all, well blah, fatigue is startin to get to me again. but its all good, last night i woke up cuz i well.. keep having these nightmares. there pissing me off cuz they make me afrade to go back to sleep afterwards, but anyway, when i woke up i realized i left the fish light on, so i turned it off, then checked my phone and saw that Nicole had put a new fb post up, it said that she is still awake, and it was posted at like 4 A.M. so i HAD to txt her, i knew she wouldnt like that i was up, but i wasnt really ready to tell her why :/ but i txted her anyway. i asked her to please go to sleep but she being who she is i knew she wasnt ganna, but i figured it couldnt hurt ask, annnnd she didnt xD but w/e, its ok. i know she cant go to much longer. then i told her night and that id see her in the morning. and noooow back to the morning, my mind was SO far gone that well... i JUST about hit another car this morning driving to school. my grandad in the passengers seat was yelling nooooo!!! noooo!. after i felt horrible and didnt say anything else the rest of the ride :/ ma finger went off the deep end and then i forgot to slow down in the school zone by swiss point. -sigh-... i was waaaaayyyyyy out of it this morning. but w/e, blew it off when i got to school, started talking to Nicole this morning, thats always fun ^^ never know what to expect in the mornings lol then she got there and wow, every day i see her walk up and im just blown away every single time ^^ <3 god shes so SO damn beautiful ^^ so we started talking and then soon after Craig got there then Brittney and so on, it was fun bein wit everyone :) loved it ^^ so then class i went, spanish, then biology, then history, then LUNCH ^^ got to eat my own food for once (hehe loooove you Nicole) and then i had to go to geometry, then photo class, then band, ooooooooo bands ganna be SO fucking awesome for the rest of the week!!!! and then english lol i got to read my poem out loud and the teacher liked it :) i refrenced Nicole and maybe some of Craig in it too, i like the poem, it was nice, not in love wit it like some others (coff coff Nicoles poem coff) but it was nice. then the bell rang and met up with Craig, walked to the busses with him and Nicole, got to hug Katy b4 i left, that was nice too :) she kissed me on the cheek again loday, and eh, i guess i dont mind it as long as she doesnt take it any further EVER!. so then we all got to the busses and talked for a bit, gave hugs all around lol then got on my bus to go home, i felt so stupid, i saw Nicole walkin wit Craig so i assumed they were ganna hang out, wellllll i was wrong hehe turns out she just missed her bus xD it was funny, then got home, went and baught a red bull, GOD I NEEDED IT SOOOO BAD, it helped me let out everything that was stressing. it was a releaf lol. felt soooooo good after ^^ then went to the dock and layed down to think, it was relaxing, then i walked to the pond to fish. caught a nice cat fish!! fun fun fun :) then home for a shower and now this, txting Nicole and eating pizza :) anyway, thats all. byes :)

April 12th

2010-04-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

today. it was pretty good, not as awakward as i thought it was ganna be after everything lol, but it turned out pretty good actually :) Craig had to leave early for a doctors appointment :/ but im sure hes just fine. sooo, this morning was great. i had THOUGHT i had by some mirical made it over to Nicole b4 Craig. (i wanted to cuz i REEEEAAAALLLLYYYYYYYY wanted to hug her, and i really REALLY missed her) i had thought about it the night b4 and i just said oks, ill just walk over b4 him. seems easy enough. welllll come to find out he just let me :/ sooo it was kinda pointless in the end. i just wonder how he found out. i didnt tell anyone. just my mind. but i know they were talkin bout everything last night and well. wish they hadnt of but its all good, they just beeeter NOT change a thing they do, i really mean it i really would feel horrible if they had changed it all up cuz of my big mouth :/ (nother reason im keepin shut for a tad) like i tell Craig over and over, its fine, really, no worries at ALL. and plus its somethin i DESPERATLY need to get over. sooooo the more i see it the more ill get used to it, if they just hide everything how the hell am i saposed to become comfterable around it, it wont happen randomly (nother reason im sewing by mouth shut for a bit) so yeah. hope they dont change. anyway. then lunch was good :) talked to em, that was fun, and Craig wouldnt stop rubbing his head (NOT A WORD GUYS) lol it was funny. then band was fun, its ganna be great cuz mr. Ducket is ganna be gone the rest of the week, im SO bringing my guitar ^^ . now im home txting Nicole, love you :) <3 and its raining lol ganna go fishing now, byessss :)

gnye

2010-04-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

soooo, ive been thinking, and ive come to a conclution. and ive desided to just keep my mouth shut for as long as i POSSIBLY can. it just seems to cause trouble for me and everyone around me and thats not worth it. but unless someone asks then i might just tell. but if not im good. but anyway, id like to make an apology to Nicole and Craig tonight. i shouldnt have said what i said and everythings ok :) im sorry....

so my grandma got mad that i caught that water mocasin, lol it was funny but she was mad soooo, yeah. but i showed her the pictures of the bass i caught today and she completly forgot about the snake haha LOVE manipulation xD anyway, night. sorry again.

idk

2010-04-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

i cant really quite comprehend why. but everytime i hear of see or think of anything to do with Craig, i get this strange feeling :/ thats all im sayin on that. but ill figure something out. anyway. woke up this morning and had a txt, i was really surprised. but later found out why i even got the txt, you know sometimes i wish i could stop feeling all together. it would make dat to day SOOOO much easier for me. then just told Nicole id talk to her later. ended up at the ball fields today with mike again, caught a water mocasin and almost got bit, that was freaky as fuck. then went home. my and tyler went fishing at this pond and caught 8 large mouth bass, that boosted me :) that was really fun and exiting :) now im back at my dads house, he had to go to work but im just waiting for my brother to get here so i can go to my home home. i need a shower and i just.... idk... i wanna have a good conversation with Nicole for once. i wanna make her happy, i want to ACTUALLY help her. not just this saying nice things :/ i wanna be there for her but... idk... i just hate not being there when she could use someone to talk to... lately ive been trying but she doesnt seem to really tell me much. ok yeah there was one thing that she needed to keep to herself. but theres more shes not telling me that i could actually help if i knew. but idk why but i keep thinking maybe we wont drift again, maybe.... maybe we'll stay just a great as we are now... -looks down- ... its not ganna happen, or at least i feel as if things for me and her have been going down hill, as far as comunication, im pretty sure talking to eachother would bring us closer, but... i dont think shes ganna talk to me, i just dont. but i guess its worth keeping my fingers crossed... i just want her to remember right now... think back.. i know living in the past is bad and thats why i dont do it, but some memories are good to keep in mind.. think back to when we'de talk, stay up all night, get up extreamly early , just to talk to each other... we would tell each other just about everything, and remember the feeling that that used to bring.. it was great.. that.... thats what i miss.. that ...feeling.... it was so much better then anything ive ever felt before -tears up-..... and i know u remember it too, u felt it as well.... and id like to say sorry,.... im sorry i let it all go.... it is my fault that happend........ and as u know id go back in a heart beat if i could, id relive it ALL over again... just to keep things good between us... im sorry... but.... anyway...
i hope my brother gets here soon, i really wanna go home. byes..... <3

great day SO FAR xD

2010-04-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

this morning i got up and didnt really wanna talk to my dad, but thats ok i guess. so i got up and had some coffie. got online, then left for my little brothers basball game. txted Nicole but she was still asleep xD lol got to the park and met up with mike. you know...crazy mike lol well we dasided to go for a walk in the woods. welllll haha BAD move. we went out there lost the other guy that was with us, got stuck in tones of thorn bushes, and attacked by fire ants haha faaaiiillll xD well got out. annnnnnd dad was mad hehe he was only mad cuz i went out there wit my new flip flops he got me. their fine. just dirty and full of thorns lol but had blood driping all down both my legs ugh. sent Nicole a pic but didnt mean to confuse her, i was ganna explain it but i didnt sent the txt quick enough so she replied to the pic before i told her it was just thorn bushes, think she was a tad mad, sorry about that girly. my bad -hugs- ... then talked to my dad about fishing, he wants to get me some nice rods and reels now. but hey i aint ganna complain! heck.. id take a good set up ANY day :D so then the game ended and dad took me home for a party. (aunts birthday todad, their twins! lol) so im here now, but later im ganna go back to my dads, maybe do some fishing in a local pond, and HOPFULLY catch a bass. Nicole wonders why i love fishing so much... well i do it cuz it makes me feel better when im down the best out of ANYTHING ive ever tried (exept talking to Nicole that is, she always makes me feel better, love ya ^^) . so i just grab a rod and go fishing, even if i dont catch anything, yeah its nice but i love it cuz it gets my mind off EVERYTHING :) its efective xD so yeah. then spend the night at das again and come back tomorrow night. then back to school. im prayin next week will be a good one, this one totally blew. but thats ok, as long as Nicole and Craig are alright im alright :) and well,, them being alright... thats really all that matters ^^ love you guys <333 and im sorry for the crap ive caused both of yall. ill get over the fwb thing eventually, no worry :D anyway. ganna go. hope Nicole txts me back tho, she poofed. anyway byes :)

observations hurt sometimes

2010-04-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

today was not very bright i guess, this morning i was wondering where Craig was. i knew he was somewhere, and i knew he was fine, but i was just wondering. had a strange feeling that Nicole was really upset bout somethin, dunno why. and when she walked up she even looked a tad sad. but really she was ok. so thats good. found Craig later that day. so thats good too. i really actually hated lunch. for obvious reasons....but its all good. i just wish sometimes i could take my eyes outa my head.... same thing with my ears.. alot of the times i see or hear things that i really wish i hadnt of herd or saw :/ ... but like i said. all good. then went to math with blallock. and talked a bit with him. then photo. love that class. then band. then english. starting poetry in english so im really exited bout that. easy hw tho, ive already done it xD but he doesnt know lol. anyway after class i met up with Craig and was just ganna saw see ya later man but i ended up walking with him and Nicole like i always do. i didnt wanna walk with em today. just wanted to keep my ears and eyes away for a little while. id meet back up with em at the busses anyway so it wouldnt of been that big of a deal. so were all walking then we get to the midway thing where its dark and we talk for like 30 sec b4 we leave for the busses. i hugged Katy, i love her hugs. but not as much as Nicoles. but Katy's was still nice then. i really needed it. then we start walking to the busses and Craig being the randome child that he is he goes walking in the oposite direction. -sigh-... dunno why. but oks. then Nicole ran after him like she always does, me and Brittney waited but they went around so me and her went on down to the busses, we met up with Nicole there. she ran up and the FIRST thing she says... just blah... but, its ok..no worries ...( idk why this thing keeps hitting me.. i dont understand it. i mean i know why its doing it and why it makes me feel this way but..theres gotta be something stop what im feeling... and something that wont interfear with Craig or Nicole.. :/ guess i just gotta think.. ill figure somethin out)... but then we all talked a bit more. me cory's and Kyle's bus got there so we had to go. i gave Nicole a little longer hug than i have been for a while. i miss our long hugs we used to have. and i sorta wanted a longer hug :/ so i did. then left. got home and started hw. actually just finished my biology project -_- -sigh- ... but its ok. just glad to be done with it. got some english tonight also that im not ganna do.. the hw i got done already is tomorrow nights hw. so yeah. anyway. now im txting Nicole and eating soup lol ttyl, byes.

today... oii

2010-04-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

i dont feel like explaining everything but to make a long story short. my dad picked me up from school today. when to "run some arins" ended up taking me to a sphycologist... i had to tell him everything and i mean EVERYTHING.... took like an hour.. took tests...then found out more crap i didnt wanna know about me... finaly got out and sat down in the car, thats when i teared up. thats when my finger hurt. but w/e. im out now. anyway....... school today was great. just love being back with everyone, gave Nicole her list this morning of good things about her. a whole 135 ^^ im glad she liked it :D really glad cuz it took me a while lol. and by GOD i swear ima be a cheese slicing ninja!! hahah. anyway. i kissed Nicole today. i was going to in the morning but Craig got over to her first so i couldnt. but its all good, hes her best friend so i dont blame him. anywho, thats all i guess. ttyl.

a new day, it all sucks sept for still having her.

2010-04-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

last night i called my dad because Nicole really wanted me to tell someone about my pain. i called him and well... i really wish i hadnt of, but i know she only wants me better and shes only trying to help.. -hugs- and thank you Nicole, i love you <3 you're helping so so SOOOOO much more than u even know :) yes i cried hard, yes i had to squeez my finger to keep myself from not being able to talk to my dad. -sigh- i guess ill see what will happen, he said he thinks i should go live with him, he wishes he hadnt of let my grandma push him around when i was a baby. and if he could go back. i know he would have taken custidy of us. but... i would have never met u Nicole.... -sigh-... just the thought is so very scary. makes me cry just thinking about it. i would of never met any of my friends. but anyway.... hes ganna take me to the doctor for my pains. but.. when i tell the doctor about my depression, shes ganna recomend me to a sphyciatrist and im ganna hafta go to that for god knows how long....-looks down-.. im just regretting telling my dad all together, hes coming to pick me up tomorrow.. idk whats ganna happen next. im scared. i dont want this to ruin everything at home like.... like it did last time -tears up-..... i dont want to go live with my dad, i want to stay here with my friends and where i can see Nicole.. if i go over there ill most likely never see her again...... i.... god.....
i just hope he stops this... i can deal with this pain... yes it hurts... but hell if i had all the pain in the world..... and i was doing this...... it wouldnt be worth loosing Nicole... id rather die right this second.... then live without Nicole from here on out...... -looks down-....im ... im lost.. idk what to do... what to say.... i hardly know who to believe......-sigh-... i think im loosing it....-breathes-...... here. i need to go... byes :/

tension

2010-04-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

so yesterday reeeaaaallllyyyy sucked. i dont wanna go into deatail but... Craig did something he really shouldnt have. i know he had good ententions, but god fucking damnit it royaly pissed me off. it had made Nicole hurt really bad ... she hadnt cried like that for a very long time... i know he was only trying to help and didnt want to do that to her.. but there are other ways of accomplishing what what he was trying to accomplish... there is a MUCH more subtle way of doing it than that... but w/e .. its over with now.. but now things between me and craig are a bit weird... i was mad so i had to get everything out.. i didnt yell at him really just let him know i wasnt happy with him... but then i tried to tell him he NEEDED to listen to what advice i was giving to him or hes ganna be in a bad spot with Nicole... well... not really bad just... not as good as he was... but he finaly dasided to take my advice and he gave her his word he wasnt going to do what he did again... he promised her... and he better damn well keep it... hes a great friend hes just as stuborn as he could possibly be... but anyway.. i just wish hed pick up his phone.. i wanna apologize again :/ i feel like things between us are ganna be awkward when school begins tomorrow... and thats the last thing that needs to happen..... and my finger would only get worse.... -sigh-.... ill try and call him again... but idk if he'll pick up....... and to make things worse.... Nicole thought i was apart of Craigs so called "plan".... she yelled at me... i just... had to go after that.... i couldnt take it... i was caught in the middle of something i wasnt even a part of.... and i was being blamed for it.... i hated that..... it really took me back seeing her yell at me.... then the guilt set in.... -looks down-.... im ganna go.... bye.....

my thoughts, my finger, my... -sigh-

2010-03-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

so ive been gone for a while... ive been in palatka. been talking to Nicole alot. last night i wanted to ask her a ? but i was afraid she would ask... sure enough..... she did :(... i asked what my promise was to her i made... cuz i had forgotn exactly and i wanted to be sure... i promised her i wouldnt cut because she did.... and ive kept to that... but i have cut... she asked.... and i cant lie to her.. i said goodbye... then she said she would talk to me saterday which would be three days without her... i broke down.. i could feel it already killing me... i would have gone crazy and i just would have ended up with more cuts then she was ganna leave me with... -sigh- i cried harder that night then i have in a very long time.... i cried which made me gag... which made me throw up... i felt it all coming so fast... i couldnt go even a day without Nicole unless it was because she had something going on...... i told her i didnt want to go bowling anymore on saterday... and that im so sorry if something happened to me... because i hadnt a clue what i was ganna do... i really would have been afrade....... im so sorry Nicole.... but i can tell you... that after those few minutes... just the feeling that i wasnt ganna be able to talk to u for three days ... it just... -tears up-..... its not worth cutting....... going without her is so so much worse.... god.....

but she...... didnt leave..... i guess when she realized how bad i would of been without her she .... didnt go... and i cant i.... just.... thank you... Nicole i love you so much u really dont know.... and i wanna thank you a million times over.... and you will hear me say that again and again..... thank you thank you thank you..... -wraps arms around u- -hugs tight- -closes eyes-........... thank you...

we went to bed... she had to and i felt bad about that.. her eyes were burning... she most likly fell right asleep... i couldnt sleep... stayed up just laying there for about another 2 hours... i finaly fell asleep...... -sigh-... never have i ever been so scared.... -tears up-..............

today i was on my way home and i asked to be dropped off... i got dropped of by Nicole nieghborhood.. walked on down to her and talked for a good solid 2 hours.... i was so happy to see her... but her parents were standing outside so i couldnt just run up to her and hug her :/ .... but i got to hug her..... then i went home and yeah... anyway

hope saterday works out. planning on going bowling with her and Craig.. would be great. anyway... bye...

blah :/ march 25th

2010-03-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

ok, teusday was great. wednesday alright till night fall, and today just was complete shit... i feel like the days are slowly worsening, well... anyway....
today Nicole was in a mood and didnt want to be touched, so i didnt touch her, just once to move her away from an ant pile, but that was it... Craig i wish would understand that he doesnt have to be totally gone when shes in these moods.. -sigh-... then kyle...-shakes head- he got suspended cuz he hit his brother cory in the head with a gaterade bottle... which was actually Craigs fault but... nye... just blah... so everyones in such a blah state and i hate it.... want someone to talk to, someone to hang with.... someone to hold.... im ganna go. byes

things arent always what they seem

2010-03-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

latly ive been keeping something to myself, something ive been keeping inside and in my mind. well its about Nicole. after everything and what not.... im begining to fall in love with her... but i cant tell her, im scared of what might happen, what she might say, how that would effect everyday life now. i was scared. and ive been holding it inside, well that along with a few other things, its begining to be somewhat difficult to keep a secret anymore, i see her and Craig do their thing and yeah it hurts me, but i could never tell her that. i know it makes her happy, i know they both like to do that, and it keeps em happy.. and if i said anything they may stop and if that happened ide feel horrible knowing i had made em stop something they enjoyed just cuz i couldnt keep a feeling of mine to myself. -sigh- so i just assumed keep it to myself. also.... every night there about i... i get a strange thought.... and it hasent happened in a few night luckily.... but i feel as if im... not good enough, or that i cant give her what she wants, like i cant seem to keep her happy, like i can make her happy but keep?.... :/ .... anyway.... the other night all this got to be to much to handle... especually sense shes forgiven me, i cry... well. i know shes wanted to know.... and i know shes been worried... cuz well, its been hard. keeping that a secret.... i wanna tell her how i feel about her so bad.. but i just.... cant.... well with a bit more coaxing, i give in.... i walk in the garage while on the phone with her..... takes about an hour or so..... i get everything out... and i say it....... im releaved. and she takes it well..... tells me nothings going to change, and glad to hear it cuz thats what i was afrade of :/ ... well it was good. then we talk for about 3 hours more..... and well.... things are just as good as b4..... no changes... and today i got a really nice surprise at the bus loop ^^ (thank you Nicole <3) so maybe things will look up. who knows.... anyway.....thats everything other than today was amzing on the field trip all day with Nicole. pretty much a perfect day.......... its now 10:15 pm. and now i have a few things on my mind but ill just keep em to myself..... anyway.... byes till next time <3

march 15th 2010

2010-03-15T13:29:00.001-07:00

....ok.... last night.... -sigh-........ here we go..... i was thinking...... but i was also talking to Nicole...we started talking about these dreams both me and Craig had. well in the dreams me and Craig had... we were with Nicole and well... they were dirty dreams.... but i didnt want to tell Nicole and then Craig tell her about his and his be like... more detailed then mine was.. or well.... idk... but i changed the subject quickly as i always do when i begin to get blah......but we started talking in a way to each other that i love.. and after a while she asked me... well she asked me if i was always going to be there for her..... god... ide do anything for her... Nicole means so so much to me.... god look just me saying thats bringing tears to my eyes.......... ide die for Nicole... any day... any time.... i.... i love her..... which is sorta this whole thing i need to figure out and get sorted out in my head.... but after i told her what i did.... she... she said "then i forgive you"..... i broke down..... 5 months its been... 5 months of pain... wondering if we were ever going to officualy be perfectly ok again.... we finaly are.... and thank you Nicole.... -hugs tight-.... to hear those words was greater and more meaningfull then any gift anyone could have ever given me........ that mean so so much...... i can finaly breathe...... and well... im not exactly sure what it was.... but i think it was just that thrown in to the mix of other feelings i had...... but i was a wreck today...... i couldnt have gotten through today without Nicole... so thank you so very much for being there <33..... your the best friend in the world...... you really are <333............................................

march 4rth 2010

2010-03-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

today was ok. had fun chasing Nicole around at the bus loop. lunch was good to. ummm last night. eh. called Nicole and we talked for a bit ^^ loved that. i love talking to her on the phone, its so much fun <3 and then later that night called Craig. we had a LOOOONNGGG talk about my brothers girl friends little sister. and ironically her name is also Nicole. Nicole Hilliard. shes 15. goes to bartram and is a freshman. shes real cool and god shes beautiful. but wow. shes really really cool. like shes pretty damn decent. but the thing is me and Craig BOTH sorta like her. but eh. its ok. in the end im just like eh its ok do what u want. so if he wants her. by all means go for it. so yeah... then well earlier that night while i was talking to Nicole it was so funny. i changed my status on fb and it caused like a chain reaction. and within the hour there were about 60 coments on it xD soooo funny :) anyway. thats about it. :)

march 2nd 2010

2010-03-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

today was a horrible day. im sick, my stomachs torn up so i could go to band practice. my hands all scratched up. i have these thoughts that are turning me into jelly. its killing me... i want to get rid of em just ... nothing i try works.... im thinking about my mom.... how... how itd be if she never past away and i still had her today....... and then what it would be like if my grandma past .... how my life would change... ide be forced to move because my grandad cant take care of both me and dj and run his business.... ide go live with my dad. ide change schools. ide probably never see my friends again cuz ide live so far away..... -tears- i couldnt handle that....and on-top of me feeling like this i keep being judged for somethign that happened YEARS ago... its slowly eating me away......im begining to feel like that loaded gun again....-tears up-.... and i dont know how long its ganna be before i... go off.... but not with anger.... im afrade i might do something i regret..... im hurting horrible when im called gay.... and im being called it every single day... i just got a txt a few minutes ago from jordan.... he sent me a song.. but he made it to where it called me gay.... i know it doesnt sound like much... but.... it hurts me... because im not... and i could never be... yeah i was stupid and i screwed up a few times.... everyone does... but now i feel im being punished for something ive made up for...... even amanda is being horrible to me.... she started a group on fb called "Christopher Castleman is gay" ..... she started it....ive asked her to not call me that in the past... and she goes and makes this group.... guess how many joined this group.... so far like 36.... yeah.... thanks alot Amanda ...... -breathes- i should go..... bye -cries-

march 1rst 2010

2010-03-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

the weekend really did blow... Nicole was sad mad and all of the above :/ i was sad mad and all of the above :/ and it was just blah. starting saterday i began to think about my mom. and how it must have been for my dad when he lost her. and how it might be if she was still alive today. it just cut me. but looks like ill never truly know what it feels like to have a mother. ... but thats ok. i still have dad. and my grandparents... and Nicole. god... shes great. she helped me through that this weekend. and i cant tell her how much i apreciete it. and well... she began to freak out later the next night and i guess i sorta repaid her by being there with her for that... idk if i helped or not cuz she stoped replying to my txts soon after. but i hope i helped :/ i really wish i could be there for her every time she needed someone. i wish i could be someone like that for her :/ i try my best to be. and i always plan to try my best for that. always... but looks like she had a better day today so it all good... and eh. today was alright but could of been better... last night Katy called me. it was ariginaly because jamie was yelling at her and she wanted to just talk about it. but well.. it turned into something else entirely...... i felt horrible when she told me this...... turns out that... her grandmother past away this last weekend..... thats why she wasnt at school today... and well,... thats whats sorta getting me now... i wish i knew when the showing was. or the funeral... i would have wanted to go to it and be there for Katy... i know i dont have her now and i wouldnt of had to go at all.. but i also had met her grandmother. at Christmas. i was there with katy when i shook her hand... and katy was really saddned by this... but because i was so close to katy and i had met her granmother i do actually want to go... i know i wont be able to... but i stil want to..... and thats whats sorta making me all blah today... i just.... couldnt emagine it.... loosing your grandmother...... my grandma is the closest person i have to a mother. if i lost her ide by destroid on the inside...... so idk.... i give katys grandmother my blessings and pray that she rests in peace.... -breathes-... well on that note. nothing much left to say. byess

feb, 21, 2010

2010-02-21T19:13:00.000-08:00

this weekends been somethin. went to palatka to work on the houses down there, that was fun for all of about 2 minutes xD, nah it was ok. i had alot of fun basides having to lift those healvy ass picnic tables :/ other than that it was great :) got me a new jacket. nice soft leather :) a nice wooden cigar box to put my valubles that i love in that way 1) i dont loose them and 2) they dont disinagrate xD ... anywho. last night was a tad off. i sorta like.. idk... simi got into a fight wit Nicole. not a real fight but just eh. argueing. i yelled cuz i was worried. i shouldnt of. i just dont like it when she hurts herself. but as long as shes still telling me... i wont jump her case... but only cuz i want her to tell me. if she doesnt tell me then she might stop telling me other things and then eventually ide just be excluded from her life again :( and i DONT want that again. but oh well. ill just keep my toung bit and my mouth shut :) ill eventually be better with it. but i only care about her. i really REALLY do. so i mean. what do ya expect right xD anyway. writing poems! got a new book to put em in ^^ sooo im tired. to bed. ttyl. byess ^^ <3

feb 18 2010

2010-02-18T18:03:00.000-08:00

.... todays been quite the eye opener.... i now know who my friends are.... and tursn out thats a very short list.... literally about 2 or 3. ..... feb 12th 2010. one of my friends found out something about me...... same night.. im made into a freak. a wierdo that no one ever wants to efiliate themselves with ever again.... someone you want to avoid.... im no one to them anymore... ive now today lost Amanda..... after everything ive done for her. goten her out of. just... so long..... and she says she doesnt care about me and just disides that its ok to let me go....... im being steped on like a roach... walked on.... just completly pumbled.... i feel a ted like i was used... why with all the favors ive done for everyone and i just do my best to be a nice guy.... -sigh-.... i didnt diserve this..... i wish i could rewind time....... its over... i cant go anywhere with them all anymore.... no where... not again.................. but on the plus side.... ive got the best friend in the entire world on my side.... and shes amazing...... -tears up- ...... i dont know how i got her back.... and i dont know how .... i have her to this day...... but i love you.... you have no idea how much u mean to me.... i wish i could show you...... thank you for everyhing that uve done for me......... just thank you. -nods- -holds tight-............. -breathes-......... i want to apologize........ for the sins ive continuesly comited apon you......... -tears-... you never diserved that... and i dont know what came over me...... i know it was a while ago and that its behind us now.... but im still sorry..... i want you to know that i really... truly do care about you... and that i never ever wanted to hurt you....... im just glad..... that your back...... that were back..... and as long as i have you close to me..... i will do everything in my power to keep you were you are...... -cries-...... know that,,, have it in your mind..... never forget it.......

updates on my life

2010-02-08T16:15:00.000-08:00

ok. so in short. i was with Katy for 8 months. did some things i shouldnt of. lost my best friend (Nicole) lost Katy. gained a new friend. lost her soon after when i realized it wouldnt work. got Nicole back as a good friend :) and am now friends with Katy :) im still an idiot so idk whats to come next. but hey. im a new person. ive learned BIG time from my mistakes. and well things are looking up for me now. ive got my eye on a new girl and im starting to like her. made a lil bet with her to see who could make out wit the other first. im SO ganna win xD well w/e dont matter at the moment. ummm had someone in my family pass away not to long ago :/ sucks but... nothin to do bout it. umm broke my finger the other day, that was cool lol i got a soprano saxophone and LOVE it xD umm yeah :) thats about it. im NOT going into detail with it all. to long to type xD but i will say a few words. i love that me and Nicole are sliding back into place. the feelings great <333 its great talking to her again without fighting <333 i love her so much. i never wanted to hurt her. and well. me and her are getting much better. love it so very much you have NO NO NO NO idea :D <3333333 and well talkin to a girl every night, the same girl. shes cute and i like her. but shes one of my best friends. so idk. but its definatly going somewhere :) andwho. thats everything uve missed. OH! i forgot to say that i spent 140 bucks in rings for me and Katy and i had to send em back :( and i still have the heart pendent i baught her that has our names and birth stones in it. so yeah. but im happier now than ive ever been, i loved her but... she just wasnt right for me. anyway. thats everything. ill post a new post next time i got time :) byessss

August 29th 2009

2009-08-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

August 29th 2009.............. sorry i havent been writing much in here, i just havent been able cuz im not aloud on this computer anymore, in fact im not saposed to be on now, sshhhhh dont tell no one................... so the first week of school was ...............well lets just say it was the worst week of my life,............... that should tell you how bad it was without me going into detail, but ill give you a little tidbit of what happend................ i made my girlfriend upset and cry and tempted to kill herself and probably did cut herself, i lost almost all my friends i had and made some of them cry, and i was all alone,.............. well........... 3 days later which is now, its all better, but those were the longest most agonizing 3 days EVER........................ i feel drained, i feel,.............. worthless, unneeded............. unwanted,............... unvalued................. and unloved.................. all of it, everything that happened, it truly WAS all my fault, dont try to tell me that it wasnt because you know as well as i do that it WAS................. every bit of what took place............................. -sigh-............... i cannot be forgiven,.............. and i will not forgive myself.............. im sorry to everyone who i hurt............... it was not intentional,............. and im sorry...............

speciel dedication to my one and only TRUE best friend

2009-08-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

Thank You Nicole, For Your Help, And For Your Suport, And For You Being There... Thank You

just a meaningfull poem

2009-08-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

i truly love my life, with all of my heart,
even if its filled with teary nights and strife that always starts.

i truly love my friends, always and forever.
even if sometimes things never seem to ever get better.

i truly love my family, there very close and dear,
even if they say things i just dont want to hear.

i truly love my girl, and i always will,
even IF she sometimes makes my head swirl untill the night is still

so all in all i truly do love, all the people around me,
even if there not perfect,....... there all pretty amazing to be......

August 18th 2009

2009-08-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

August 18th 2009.............. TODAY IS MY BABY CORN SNAKES FIRST BIRTHDAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAZZ!!!

August 17th 2009

2009-08-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

August 17th 2009................ ok, today i woke up, took a shower, and got ready for orientaion,........... well i wanted to meet up with Nicole there :) so she told me she waas leaving, so then i left, picked matt up, but that was a bust cuz when we got there he was too early for his orientation so he could get his stuff,..... but its ok.......... so anyway, i got my scedual, my I.D. , and went to get my locker, and thats when Nicole walked in :D i went from frowny face to smilie in a split second :D i was so happy to see her! it was great <3 .......... so then we talked, and got our lockers, then got our book, then put mine in my locker, and then we went to hers,..... we did that, and walked to all her classes to see where they were,.... so that was cool,..... and then we met up with taylor, and then angel :) and hugs all around :) <3... that was nice :) then we called amanda and left a messege lol, then Nicole offered to give me a ride home :D so that was great! more time to see and talk to her.... and so she took me home and we said our goodbye's for now's lol... and now im talking to her on IM, yay!!! so anyway,... in other news xD lol, i have band camp in like and hour and a half, and im really nervouse, i just dont want to mess up... but ill give it a chance this time.............. and then tonight when i get home im ganna talk to katy till twelve :D yay!!! so i guess thats all for now ^-^

August 16th 2009

2009-08-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

August 16th 2009............

Tears 2

ill wait and ill wait, and ill try and ill try,
until love turns to hate, until i get by.

if i could have this day, and things start to get good,
ill finally have words to say i would and i should.

so much feelings come out of love, they will be with you till the end, you'll see,
but when those feelings get bad, you will hurt, and things will not tend to be

we fight,we argue, i come to you and you come to me,
our pain, we hurt, then we disagree.

if i could make our pain go away i would, in just a hearts beat,
because now its beginning to set in, the hurt, the loneliness, the seat of defeat.

so after this long day, whats left to be told,
im sorry............ farewell, to new friends, and old.............

the 2 sides of family

2009-08-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

Words alone are not enough to explain what family means to me. In my mind, I know family as three things: a home, love itself, and freedom. As I go through this emotional journey, please bear with me as I stumble to find the words.
First comes love. I don’t think anyone could make it through most obstacles that everyday life brings to them without the love of their family. It’s way too hard. The love of your family is like a gigantic bed of pillows you can fall back on everyday for support. It’s a necessity of life-- to make a bedarkened room full of light and life is a family goal.
A home away from home is no home. The reason I say this is because most children say they can’t wait to be on their own. That’s the hardest life in my eyes. Children with no home wish that they had one. When you are home, you are welcomed. When you are home, you are safe. When you do not feel these things, you segregate yourself. You are like a leafless tree.
Family helps you to believe in yourself. Family gives you love and the freedom to make your own mistakes. Family allows you to be yourself. There are so many limitations in this world, but to be home and surrounded by the love that your family has built lets you know that you can fall back and they will surely help you up-- if not with a helping hand, then with words of wisdom or a smile.
I think of family when I see these lines. “Just like a star across my sky. Just like an angel off the page. You have appeared to my life. I feel like I’ll never be the same. Just like a song in my heart. Just like oil on my hands.”
Family is everything to me. Family is a home with no physical limitations, a form of love that no one else could give or possibly understand, and most importantly, freedom. That’s what family means to me. but there is also more to what me and others might think and want,
heres some things "we" wish our parents would say

1. You spend too much time doing homework, just go and play.

2. I was wrong about.....

3. Yes, the weekends are mostly your time; you have worked hard this week at school.

4. Your friends worry me, but I trust your judgment.

5. Don't worry about cleaning your room.

6. Here is some money, spend it anyway you want to and go have fun.

7. Let me tell you about some of the learning experiences I had as a teen.

8. I love you no matter what you do.

9. I am going to sit down and listen while you talk.

10. I'm sorry.

11. You are right about.....

12. Do you want my advice, or do you just need to vent a little.

13. I'd like to understand you a little better. Do you mind sharing your ideas about.....?

14. I made a mistake.

15. I don't know everything.

16. Yes, I get stressed out too and that effects my day.

17. O.K. I know you will get to your chores sometime today.

18. Thank You.

19. I can understand why you sometimes think we favor your brother/sister more.

20. Even if you are struggling with that one class, the rest of your grades are awesome.

21. That's a tough decision you have to make. Do you want to talk about it?

22. Would you like a little time to yourself.

23. I can tell I hurt your feelings. I will try to watch those kinds of comments in the future.

24. Don't panic about that mistake. What have you learned that will help next time?

25. Sometime I make the wrong decisions too.

26. When you hug me it fills up my heart.

27. What would you like the family to do for fun?

28. How can I help?

i think one of the reasons why i lack self-esteem and confidence is because my parents have never treated me like they loved me or needed me. they think putting food on the table is enough, and if ever i tried to tell them about my feelings, they'd either tell me that they're irrelevant, because when they were growing up there was no such thing as sadness or depression or loneliness because everyone was starving, and you either forgot or ignored your feelings and worked and worked and worked or else starve; OR they would laugh at me, yell at me, swear at me, call me pathetic, an a*hole, and so forth. nothing i say is right, nothing i do is right, or constitutes any kind of approval. i can't talk to them about anything, because then they would remind me of my past mistakes, and remind me of all the times they put food on the table. little things compared to the big picture. nor do they treat their children equally. there are responsibilities at home, and my brother is getting ready to go off to college which me parents are paying for, hes got a car which our parents pay ALL the payments on... what do i get? i have to fend for myself, and live in a room full of snakes , where ill sit and just stair at the walls around me for hours, where i can hear the neighbors party and make decisions.. i mean, i have career needs,.. and thats when i went to my parents about it, and then they tell me about how my brothers actually paying for the car after all.., if that's the case, why my lonely room with my snakes, i don't feel needed by them either. they never call just to talk, they only want to call when they need me to do something for them. if i called, they would ask "what do you want? why did you call?" it's never a case of calling or talking for the sake of wanting to hear each others' voices. it's never about simply wanting to know how the other is doing. i can't stand the fact that my parents don't love me as equally as they do my brother. i don't know what to do about them. i can't help but feel abandoned, and even more lonely, because my parents don't really care about me.

August 14th 2009

2009-08-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

August 14th 2009......................... ok well today wasn't such a bad day, i woke up and looked at the time and got so angry at myself, but thats only because it meant that i couldn't talk to Nicole, and im sorry about that,........... so later i sent Katy a message saying good morning and a few other things, well then i went and took my shower, got dressed and got ready,... because i was going to go with Katy to her orientation for school with her, so after i got ready i was texting her for a bit and then watching some tv while i was waiting for them, well when she came to the door i was planning on hugging her like seconds after, but sadly my grandma was standing there, so i could really do much of anything except say hey, but anyway, so as we walked out to the car i was talking to her, then we got in the car and i gave her the drawings i had done for her, she liked them :) and then she gave me some things that she had gotten me while she was in Canada, she got me a 3D dream catcher (and after the dream i had last night i think this dream catcher will come in handy) and this stone that has a raven on it :) i loved both the gifts very very much :), thank you sweetie!!! <3 so then we talked a bit more and when we got to the school me and her when and did everything she needed to...... it was really fun, i had an amazing time just being there with her, i love her so so much... so after wards when we got back to my house she walked me up to my front door, we hugged , more like completely wrapped each other in our arms, and while we were i told her that i missed her so much. and she said the same :) then she was telling me some things real quick, like how now she can start saving up for that violin of her, boy thats going to be cool.... and then we kissed and told each other "love you" and we said our goodbyes... well i went and set my things down and then walked out to the driveway to watch them drive away like i always do, -smiles- she rolled down the window and said bye and i love you as she pulled out of the drive way -smiles- then they drove away and i was just standing there smiling and talking under my breath, i was saying "love you too Katy"........ so then later after i actually got a chance to talk to Nicole for a bit, i told her how everything went, and then she had to go, :( but thats ok, ill have a chance to talk to her later tonight :) anyway, now im going to go lay down, i actually have some time to myself for once..... byesss

Defining Hurt

2009-08-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Hurt is the pain that eats away at my heart and makes me see the world through a filter of truth. Hurt is the passion that makes me live with the hope for eventual vengeance. Hurt is what sits in the pit of my stomach, waiting for me to acknowledge its power. Hurt is my shepherd, my comfort, my home. Hurt is what I feel almost every day. Hurt is what halts my laughter immediately after it's conceived. Hurt is what makes me hate the world.

Hurt is the lump in my throat, the pain in my side, the tears that are welled up behind my eyes. Hurt is the well of tears that can't seem to overflow, the tears that are trapped inside of me, dripping down the back of my throat, rushing over the sands of time that wear down my body as it grows older and more insecure. Hurt is the tenseness in my hands and the blurred vision of my future. Hurt is the dream that is fading and falling apart little by little. Hurt is the monster that grabs me from behind and chokes me with its inhuman hands. Hurt is the feeling of knowing you've lost your place on a pedestal in someone's life. Hurt is knowing you've lost yourself somewhere along the way. Hurt is having but not being fulfilled. Hurt is appreciating but not finding comfort. Hurt is emptiness and tiredness, unsuredness and anxiety. Hurt is pressure and pretense and the burden of having to pretend that it's all okay.

Hurt is my captor, my dictator, my tormentor. Hurt is the snap of a whip and the sting as it pierces my innocent flesh. Hurt is the fish trying to live on land, the dinosaur in the twenty-first century. Hurt is the lifetime achievement that wins no award, the miracle that gains no compliment. Hurt is the knife that never cuts, the scar that never heals. Hurt is the end of a good time, the start of an unpleasant task. Hurt is the harsh word in response to a friendly gesture, the failure to acknowledge a favor, the injustice that goes unnoticed. Hurt is the innocent man sentenced to life in prison, the family who sees their son's murderer released on parole. Hurt is the inability to communicate. Hurt is the passionate speech that has no audience. Hurt is the dramatic performance that received no applause, the song that reached no ear. Hurt is the question that has no answer and the answer to a question that will never be asked.
Hurt is being a part of something that forgets you. Hurt is being forgotten by a friend. Hurt is being afraid of the person you thought you could trust. Hurt is having to wait up for the loved one who didn't call. Hurt is having to wonder. Hurt is never knowing. Hurt is turmoil, floating on a placid bay that doesn't want to be disturbed. Hurt is feeling lonely in the middle of a crowd. Hurt is betrayal and jealousy studded with self-doubt and self-contempt. Hurt is a curse on an undeserving body. Hurt is seeing the face of a friend in pain. Hurt is witnessing a tragic goodbye. Hurt is having to say goodbye. Hurt is not being able to say goodbye. Hurt is abandonment. Hurt is misplacing your trust. Hurt is unrequited love. Hurt is unreliable love. Hurt is the absence of love, the confusion about whether or not love really exists. Hurt is knowing that I can kill. Hurt is knowing that others can kill. Hurt is knowing that we all will die. Hurt is knowing that I will die soon. Hurt is knowing that I am going to die before I achieve anything. Hurt is knowing that I was never meant to achieve. Hurt is knowing that I am nothing. Hurt is knowing that nobody wants me and nobody loves me as much as I need to be loved. Hurt is knowing that nobody wants my love. Hurt is knowing that I am too much to handle. Hurt is knowing that I wouldn't want to handle me either. Hurt is knowing that the world is afraid of me. Hurt is knowing that they're all wrong. Hurt is knowing there is no one else out there like me. Hurt is knowing that everyone is glad there is no one else out there like me. Hurt is knowing that people wish I wasn't who I am. Hurt is knowing that people wish I could be more like them. Hurt is knowing that nobody understands where my pain comes from, including myself. Hurt is knowing that no one can even begin to imagine the extent of the pain. Hurt is knowing that I am loved by people who can't love me enough to fill the void that is constantly in my heart.

Hurt is being on the twenty-fifth mile of the marathon and knowing you don't have the strength to finish. Hurt is knowing your actions have negatively affected someone else. Hurt is looking in the mirror and wanting to scratch out the eyeballs of your reflection. Hurt is constantly feeling inadequate even when you know you're more deserving. Hurt is being blamed for something you didn't do. Hurt is knowing that your best isn't good enough. Hurt is knowing that you have more than you really need and knowing that you wouldn't feel better even if you gave it all away. Hurt is finding out that life fucking sucks. Hurt is having to live with the knowledge that life fucking sucks. Hurt is wandering aimlessly through minute after minute, trying desperately to put yourself in a dangerous situation that might eventually get you killed.

Hurt is the demon in my veins. Hurt is not knowing how to exorcise the demon. Hurt is knowing that no one can help me exorcise the demon. Hurt is knowing that nobody who cares is smart enough to help. Hurt is knowing that nobody who's smart enough cares. Hurt is knowing that none of this matters. Hurt is knowing I'll only feel better when I'm dead. Hurt is knowing that I hurt people when I say that. Hurt is knowing that they don't know how much I wish I didn't have to hurt them or say that at all. Hurt is my life, my soul, and me. Hurt is everything, and I am nothing. Hurt is all there is in life. All I know is hurt.

my thoughts about friendship

2009-08-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

Have you a best friend? What qualities should a best friend have? In this article I am going to be writing about what constitutes a best friend, I myself have had a number of best friends in my life of which only one has stood the test of time.
Your best friend should be somebody that you can trust one hundred percent. You should be able to confide in them knowing that they will not spread your news to other people. How many times have told a friend a piece of personal information and have then asked them not to tell anybody else about it? The sheer fact that you had to ask them not to tell other people should tell you that they are not best friend material.
All of us have stages of our life when we really need a friend. We may be in trouble, we may have done a terrible deed, what we require in this situation is somebody to support us, listen to our problems, offer advice, possibly a room to spend the night but most of all not to judge us. We all make mistakes; after all we are all human. A best friend will offer all of these things, without hesitation.
We all need somebody to be able to phone from time to time, just for a chat, somebody who will make us laugh and ultimately happy. We all need to have the odd night out, perhaps at the cinema, perhaps to go for a drink or perhaps to go to the theatre. A best friend will be the person to call and will make time for us in these situations.
A best friend will not stab you in the back by attempting to steal your boy/girlfriend, they will not spread rumours about you, you should be able to trust them with your life.
Does your best friend have the qualities mentioned above? If the answer is no, this does not mean that you need to dump this person totally, it merely means that you should not be regarding them as a best friend.

Friendship is about bonding. It is about reciprocating the care you receive from a person and at the same time respecting the other persons view. A friend does not judge you by wealth or position, he or she is there with you during your bad times. He is like the pillar of strength you can rely on and also share your apprehensions about the various aspects in life. Friendship blossoms each day and one must make time to strengthen the bond.
Days and events are important during friendship. It is vital for us to remember the important days in our friend's life. Friendship is also about trust. One is able to open up freely to the person who is your friend because you know you will not be judged. It is fine to express your inhibitions and also seek the advice of your friend but at the same time friendship is also respecting the other person's predicament. Many a times the friend is not available owing to familial reasons or other commitments and jealously can mar the fragile bond of friendship.
Situations in life often make us realize who our true friends are. We may be surrounded by a group of people whom we meet but it is only with a particular person we are able to relate. This is because there is a certain chemistry, understanding and also respect which you find in this true friend. It is our duty to bring a friend to the right path but too much of criticism will spoil the friendship.
We choose different vocations and reside in various locations and hence friendship gets separated owing to distance. Communication lines are accessible to all of us who want to connect with a lot of friends. Friends from our Alma Mater, friends from our previous jobs and also friends who have migrated to different lands can be contacted easily with the help of technology. There are No excuses in friendship.
The test of friendship is during critical circumstances. When you are down and out the best friend is still next to you. He or she gives you the biggest support with kind words and assures you that life is truly a great gift. A good friend is a rare gem and we need to polish this bond with the goodness of friendship.

My Interpretation Of Love

2009-08-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

What is the real definition of love? Love has many different meanings to all different types of people. There are many stages of love at different ages and different types of love. My definition of love is caring about someone so deeply that your like would be very different with out them there would always be a little piece of yourself missing if they pass away or leave you. Your life is incomplete when they are away and you would do anything to protect them or to make them happy.When I think of love I think of a couple sitting by the ocean holding hands and kissing. The feeling of love is “that can’t eat cant sleep reach for the stars world series kinda stuff”. But this definition and the way that I portray and believe in love differs from yours, the classrooms, and probably many other people. “Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you’re in love, you always want to be together, and when you’re not, you’re thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete”
My definition of love is what I personally think of it. The definition that I gave is what I think of when thinking of when thinking of my life, and what ive been through. This is my interpretation of love as an 15 year old male. But when I was a little kid I thought of love in a completely different way, and when I am older and wiser I will probably think of love differently also. As an a teenager I realize that I have not experienced the real meaning of life yet and that I have not seen all there is to see in the world so how could I understand the “real” definition of love? How can anyone really know the real definition of love? I believe that love is one of the hardest words in the dictionary to actually understand and know the true definition.
There are so many different types of love. There is little kid love, teenage love, friendship love, family love, marrege love and parent to children love. All of these different types of love have similar meanings but have a little something different to be unique. Clearly when you’re a little kid you don’t really know what love is. Yes, you love your parents and your family and your friends but children don’t get the concept of actually loving someone. Teenagers and their concept of being “in love” most people think they are crazy because teenagers have no idea what love is. That is usually what is said when people hear of teenagers being in love. Teenagers believe they are in love after possibly being with someone for just a few weeks or months can you actually be in love with someone after just that short period of time? And if you are in love with that person then why do you not spend forever with them? Another interpretation of love for me is having that person in your life forever, and teenagers fall in and out of love all of the time so is it actually love? Who can really tell?.
Friendship love is different for everyone; everyone loves their friends and would probably be lost without them. I believe friends are the purity in life and without them every one would be a little crazy. Friendship love is knowing that you will always have someone to call, cry to or just to be there for you when you need him or her most. I think that friendship love is one of the best kinds of love because you may fight and be mad but true friendship will last even if you argue and don’t talk for a while you can go back like nothing ever happened.
Family love, everyone has family members and everyone loves there family. But this kind of love is very different then a relationship kind of love because your dealing with a different type of feeling, but it is still love. When people are around their families they are there real selves. No questions asked no one is judging them they can be free to be themselves. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” (Dr.Seuss). Families will always love you for you. No matter what happens, how bad you screw up and the mistakes that you make your family will always be there to have your back. That is true love and an unbreakable bond that no one can really explain or come between.
Marriage love, how do people know that this is where they belong for the rest of their lives, that the love they have for this person will last forever and that they can trust this person to be good to them and make them happy forever, at my age I see it very hard to know this. But that’s where love comes in, when you love someone enough to make them apart of your life forever. “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.”(Nickolas Sparks, The notebook) That said by Nickolas Sparks is what I believe is a deep everlasting feeling of love.
Love to me is always caring about the person not wanting to be without them and not being mad or staying mad at the person. When does this ever happen though? Hardly ever. When people are in love they argue, they fight, they have disagreements and it is usually never as perfect as most people picture love to be. At first they might have a difficult time trusting the person that they love and through out there loving relationship they may have disagreements but it is worth it. Love is worth the trouble and the baggage that comes along with it because love gives meaning to life and without love life would be so boring.

August 12th 2009

2009-08-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

August 12th 2009................ i don't exactly know how Nicole is still feeling at the moment, but i know its not the best feeling,...... all i want is for her to be ok, and for her to be safe and happy..... and theres a few things that me and her have that we haven't said yet to each other, and so more is yet to come,...... anyway, i just hope,... no PRAY that Nicole feels better,........ I'll be ok, really i will... but if shes not ok, then i wont be, which is hard to explain, it all goes to this thing my dad was telling me about, which i had thought about before, but he i guess thought about it too, well,.... ill say i tad bit about it,..... but not much, because i don't want it to go any further , but i do wanna say a bit about what ive been thinking about, and no one knows except me,.......... and well,.... Nicole knows, but not exactly "what" ive been thinking about........... well its sorta strange,..... its like me and Nicole, have this kinda,....... how can i put it.......um, like this connection i guess you could say,.... i don't really know what to call it,....... but its our thoughts, our emotions, and our feelings,...... there all the same,........ not 24/7, but way more then often,....... and its sorta interesting, to see how much we really think alike,.... i mean like it gets to a point to where i start thinking what if theres something else to this,......... something that me and Nicole aren't seeing,....... something that we both have absolutely no clue about,......... so theres just a tiny part to it,.... the rest cannot be said,..... at least not now.........

and GOD ive missed Katy so so so much, she should be back either today or tomorrow, so im psyched, i can't wait........ i just want to have her back in my arms again.......

thats all for now,...... bye

August 12th 2009

2009-08-11T21:03:00.001-07:00

August 12th 2009............... ok well its late at night and somethings happened,........... good, not bad,........... but it got really bad b4 it got good........... well im going to try and make this as short and simple as possible, i was hurt emotionaly , so i snapped a rubber band on my wrist, alot, and it made me bleed, well b4 i had done something just as bad if not worse,...... and well she told me she didnt want me to do either one, so i promised i wouldnt anymore, and im shure glad i did,.... because the next this she said made me want to,........... -sigh-.......... she knows it,............ and so i didnt, because i promised her,........... and well were still talking, but its getting better,............. thank you Nicole, you really are my mirical...........

August 11th 2009

2009-08-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

August 11th 2009.................. ok , today has been a long day, ive felt everything today,......... well i woke up, after the deep talk me and Nicole had which hadn't happened in a while, well i sorta said something i shouldn't have, and well i didn't realize it till right after i said it,.... and well, it was about something ive done, and its not really to bad, but its still sell inflicting pain, and i know its wrong, but...........-sigh- no one knows how this pain is, no one knows how it feels,...... im the only one that i know of and......... i couldn't take it anymore, but i was talking to Nicole about it yesterday and well, i sorta made her feel the exact same way i have been feeling for many many months now, and i didn't mean to, but i still did... and im so sorry Nicole, i didn't want you to feel that way, i was trying to keep you away from it and,... i failed...... im sorry................. -sigh-.............. so once i got on IM this morning she was telling me some things and well,....... i felt sooooo bad, like i wanted to cry,.......... so i told her what i did, and why........... and that what gave her the feeling that ive had,............ but i think its better this way, not that shes feeling what i have, but that she knows, because well, i feel like theres things that she doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want me to worry, well yeah i can understand that, but now she knows that it feels good when someone comes to you to tell you things, no matter how it makes you feel afterwards you still like the fact that they want to come specifically to YOU to vent, so i feel like maybe if i tell her this because she wants to know it then maybe she wont hold back next time she does something........ because i want to know, every time she does something i want her to tell me, because -sigh- well i want to know so i can talk to her and try and make her feel a bit better if i can, and i know i really cant but i have to try, i just have to, no matter what,.... and even though i may of made her feel in a way thats bad and i hate that i did that, i am NOT sorry for the way ive felt, feel, and think about her, because well,................. she,....... shes my miracle, and ,........i........ i ...-tears up-,..... ...........its just something i REFUSE to feel sorry for .......... ............anyway, theres just so much i could say right now, ................ but ill leave it at that........... thats all now,............ bye

August 10th 2009

2009-08-10T08:37:00.001-07:00

August 10th 2009.............. ok well for the past couple days ive been in Palatka and i mean dont get me wrong, i had fun down there, i got to fish and we went out on the boat.... but i do that all the time, so i was bummed that i wasnt back at the house, or else i would of been able to hang out with all my friends, which honestly i would of much much MUCH!!! rather of been doing... so i was stuck in Palatka for 2 days unable to be with them which i was and still am sorta sad about, but its ok, im just glad that Nicole was finally able to go have some fun, thats what matters to me the most, is that she has fun and is happy :) so anyway, im back now, and OH MY GOD ive missed Katy so so SOOOO much, sense i was in Palatka i wasnt able to talk to her because shes still in Canada and she cant use her phone, only her computer, and i dont have any computers in Palatka, so i couldnt talk to her for the 2 days i was away, and it was like hell almost not being able to talk to her, i havent herd her voice in almost a week so thats really getting to me, i miss her more then ive ever missed someone ever.... -sigh-... but ill live, and so will she, we both are missing each other like crazy but we will live........... also some other things have happened and are still happening but nows not the time for them to be said on here, so ill explain it all later,..... anyway, thats all 4 now, byesss <3

August 7th 2009

2009-08-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

August 7th 2009............... ok, for the past few days Katy has been gone in Canada on vacation, so ive been talking to Nicole mostly, sometimes Amanda, but mostly just Nicole, i last talked to my sweet heart around 11:30 yesterday morning, well i haven't herd her voice sense then and its beginning to get to me, i just,...... i love hearing from her and when i don't here her voice for a while it just starts to get to me, i don't know, im just not used to going this long without hearing her is all i guess. anyway, sense i haven't been able to talk to her , when im not talking to Nicole im drawing, well, mostly... today for some reason i don't have the drive to, but yesterday and the day before i was drawing like crazy xD so lets see here, today i woke up at 8, got online to talk to Nicole, had to get off, used my phone to text her but my phone was jacked up so it didn't work as planned, then got back on so i could talk to her again, got kicked off again, used my phone again which is beginning to seem like a lost cause, then i got an one more time, but had to get off yet again, and this time it was for a long while, but i asked Nicole if she was still on and as luck would have it she was, but thats because there was no one home... but thats besides the point, i got to talk to her again!!! :D so that was cool, also i was watching the rest of the new Halloween movie by Rob Zombie online while i was talking to Nicole xD boy it was an AWESOME scary movie, really scary compared to that stupid worthless excuse for a horror movie called Killjoy that i had watched earlier that day xD... anyway, that was my day so far, ill be on tonight to hopefully talk to Nicole, so peace! :D

August 6th 2009

2009-08-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

August 6th 2009............. today i didnt really do much as usual, i woke up at 8, txted Nicole, fell back asleep on axadent, and i feel so bad because she got up at 8 too, i just didnt wait long enough, i fell back asleep within 7 minutes, so insted of having 5 hours to talk we only had like 2 and a half....... but it was still great, i loved it still , like always :) so we did that, we havent gotten into a deep conversation in a while, so its anyones guess when the next time that will be, i mean there are things i could tell her, like something i think if she were to change it she would be much happier, but that wil be said soon enough, also i think once school starts it will help both her and me with everything, im not sure how its all going to go just because im going to be with Katy almost all the time at school when im not in class, so we'll just see how it all plays out...... and the other thing i could say to her im not really going to be telling anyone anytime soon, like at least several YEARS, but anyway,.... lets see, what else.... could be said to her to strike up a good deep conversation hmm -thinks-... ( ten minutes later ) ok i got nothing, ive said almost everything to her, and whats left cant be said just yet, oh well, im sure ill think of something eventually, we always do :)............ anyway, also Katy called me today :D she called at about 11:30 A.M. i was still talking to Nicole when she called, we didnt talk long though, cuz she was on her way to canada and once she gets across the border she cant use her phone anymore, so we did talk for about 5 or 10 minutes, so that was good :) i loved it <3 she said she just really wanted to here my voice before she got there, and i just thought that was soooo sweet <3 and im really glad she called, because i really wanted to here her voice to <3 so yeah, we talked for a few minutes then said our "i love you's" so it was amazing :D..... and yeah, for the rest of the day ive been drawing and watching the Rob Zombie Halloween, its scary, but sadly it wouldnt let me watch all of it, i did watch 72 minutes of it though, but after that it cut off and i had to do something else :( but its all good, anyway, thats my day, hopefully ill be ablew to talk to Nicole tonight, so ill be back on then... byesss :) <3

feelings

2009-08-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

these are the feeling we all get, many of which i have gotten just this past year, some more then others, but we all get them, not all at once, and always at the wrong times for the most part, but i would just like to go through them for you so you have an idea of all the emotion, and just,... the feelings that have shed.... here we go.... ill put a star next to the ones ive had...

Feelings (Bad)

angry*

anxious*

arrogant

ashamed*

awful*

bad*

bewildered

black

blue

bored*

clumsy*

combative

condemned

confused*

crazy, flipped-out*

creepy

cruel

dangerous

defeated*

defiant

depressed* : this one has come up alot more then ide like it to, but ill be ok, and so will the others

disgusted*

disturbed*

dizzy

dull

embarrassed*

envious

evil

fierce

foolish* i had this one once, i got it after doing the worst thing i could of dont to a friend, and im sorry

frantic

frightened*

grieving

Feelings (Bad)

Contd.

grumpy

helpless* ive gotten this one, one to many times -sigh-

homeless

hungry*

hurt: ide like to point out that this one is one of the worst

ill

itchy

jealous* ive learned alot about this feeling this past year, ive gotten in quite alot, but its okay

jittery

lazy

lonely* this is also another bad one to have

mysterious

nasty

naughty* -winks-

nervous* sometimes to much

nutty

obnoxious

outrageous

panicky

repulsive

scary

selfish*

sore

tense

terrible* lately

testy ive gotten this one alot too

thoughtless

tired*

troubled*

upset* alot

uptight

weary*

wicked

worried* i think ive gotten this one the most this year, and its an instinct sorta thing and i cant help it

Feelings (Good)

agreeable*

amused*

brave*

calm*

charming*

cheerful*

comfortable*

cooperative*

courageous*

delightful*

determined*

eager* maybe a little to much

elated

enchanting

encouraging* im this alot i think

energetic*

enthusiastic*

excited* alot

exuberant

fair* this is one thing that has worked for me and also has been not good, so its like both -sigh-

faithful*

fantastic*

fine* not very often

friendly* alll the time

funny8

gentle*

glorious

good*

Feelings (Good)

Contd.

happy*

healthy*

helpful* i think im this alot too

hilarious8

jolly*

joyous*

kind* alot

lively*

lovely*

lucky* sometimes

nice*

obedient*

perfect* one or twice have i felt this one, but it rarely comes along

pleasant*

proud* once or twice

relieved* alot

silly*

smiling*alot

splendid*

successful* sometimes

thankful* all the time

thoughtful* more then ppl think i should be

victorious* once or twice

vivacious

witty

wonderful*

zealous

zany

so as you can see, there are many different kinds of feelings you can get, but the bad ones do seem to over power the good alot of the time, but thats okay,... anyway, i just wanted to show this, its just another peace to the puzzle called "my life"....

August 5th 2009

2009-08-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

August 5th 2009....................... today im actually in an amazingly great mood, im happy right now :) and im loving it, idk if its this music or what, but im happy ^-^ -smiles- ok so today i woke up, then went to see if Nicole was on, she wasn't so i went back to bed, then i woke up to my phone vibrating, it was Katy, she told me that she was on her way to the air port and that she loves me, so i said ok and that i love her too <3... so then i went back to sleep, then got up for real finally, so then Katy texted me saying that she just got to Texas, so we talk for a bit, then she had to go to catch her second flight to Seattle, so we said our "i love you's" and she left, so then i went online to talk to Nicole, :) im glad we had some time to talk, i love talking to her the most :) so we did, we talked for a couple hours, and it was nice, then she had to go to get some new school clothes, so she left, and now im sitting here all by my lonesome self :( well im listening to music so i guess its not all bad ^-^ and yeah, that was me day so far, tonight i plan on getting back online to talk to Nicole, Amanda might be there now that she knows were on there every night, so that will be interesting its never a dull moment with Amanda around....... so yeah,..... well b4 i talk to them online im going to talk to Katy on the phone for a while like we always do :) so im exited to talk to her and see how her first day in Canada went, so yeah,... thats all for now,..... byes :) <3<3<3

August 4th 2009

2009-08-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

August 4th 2009..........,, -sigh- ............... today,..... woke up at 8, gave Katy her morning text from me, then went back to sleep, why?, because Nicole said she wasnt going to be on, so i figured ide sleep a little longer,..... so i did, for about 3 more hours, then i woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating, it was Katy, we talked for a little bit, then i went on the computer to see if Nicole was back from the beach yet, i got on IM, and nothing,......... i was sad after i saw she wasnt on, so then i loggen off and went to another website, well like 10 seconds later Nicole had logged in, i was soooo releaved, god i was so happy to know that she was there...... so then we talked till like 1 20 or something, then i had to go, but i never left, but i forgot to get back on, but i did eventually, and then we talked till like 4 15... with amanda too,..., so i loved that, it was amazing like always ^-^ but then she had to go :( so i was stuck with talking to amanda, it was ok though, we ended up calling eachother and talking on the phone 4 like a few hours, we even three wayd Craig Harp and talked with him, that was cool, till i got in trouble with Katy and had to go....well for some reason my texting was screwed up, so i would get her texts but she could'nt got the ones i was sending to her,... so she thought that i was ignoring her,... and i wasnt,... so i called her up on my house phone and told her,.... she was still sad, and something went wrong and she hung up on me, she texted me and i texted her back, but once again, she didnt get it, so shes like " you are ignoring me! -cries- " so i called her back and explained what was going on,... well once again she hing up on me,.....-sigh- well she told me to turn off me phone and turn it back on, so i did, and guess what, IT WORKED, so we were happy, then we talked for a bit, then she had to go, then i watched tv, then Amanda called me , she asked me for Nicole's home number, sorta random, but ok, so then i went back to tv, and then called Katy back later, talked to her about the violen shes getting, ( i cant wait to see her smile when she sees it ) then she hung up the phone, not because of me, but because her parents were there and she was afrade that they would take her phone,... so we texted eachother insted, then i talked to Nicole on IM, along with Amanda a little, and now just Nicole, and yeah, so thats my day,.............. ok.......... boring,...... exept for talking to Nicole :)

the things ive learned over the past year

2009-08-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

1) if you have an ishue, fix it, or its going to get progresivly worse
2) if you want to say something to somebody , just say it
3) everyone has there own problems
4) do NOT make a promise if you even think for one second that you cant keep it
5) keep your friends close, and keep your enimies closer
6) if you have a heart, then everyone daserves a second chance
7) if you love someone and they love you back, dont let them go
8) minding your own busness when your talking about your friend, NEVER helped a thing
9) keeping in touch is very important
10) crying isn't a bad thing
11) if you need someone, to talk to, dont be shy
12) always keep your chin up, things do get better
13) if you get asked a question, by a friend or family member, answer truthfully, it might just help
14) love is beautiful, and NOT something that EVER daserves to be broken
15) your NEVER alone, and you NOT the only one in this
16) in almost ALL cases, its truly NEVER to late
17) listen to your parents, you dont have to take there advice or comprehind what there saying, but just listen
18) do what you think is right, and if your truly not sure of whats right, get opinions from friends, but make YOUR OWN choice
19) listen to your heart, NOT your head
20) and the most important of all,... living is hard, dieing is easy, and NEVER stop fighting for your life...............................................

those are just a select few things ive learned in the past year, read them, use them, remember them, it might just help you out next time you need it..............

August 3rd 2009

2009-08-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

August 3rd 2009................... ok, well today im sapose to go to Katys for dinner, and i cant wait to see her, shes leaving tommarow for Canada and shes going to be gone for a week so i really azm going to and try and make this visit a good one for her........

anyway, so i got up early again today to talk to Nicole, and she was on, yay!, -does dance- and so im glad about that, anyway, my grandama made me get off so i had to use my phone to txt her, so i did that,....... and it was good, im glad we were talking, i love talking to her,..... and then we got to something, a thought of hers, or an opinion, im not really to sure which, but i guess shes afrade that if she tells me that it will make me feel guilty, and its sorta about me so i want to know, but at the same time, i don't want her to tell me if she doesnt want to, thats her choice........ anyway, im just going to be thinking about it for a while, i don't really know why, but it caught my eye............. anyway, so last night, i was talking to Katy, and , i don't know how to discribe the feeling i had, and well, i just,........... was more happy then i think ive ever been, she said some things, and they really hit me,... they were like some of the nicest things i think anyone has ever said to me, and i never wanted that feeling to end,... and then later that night i talked to both Amanda and Nicole, and that was alright, Amanda sorta brought up a topic that neither me or Nicole really wanted to be talking about, but it was okay, i guess, Amanda switched the topic thanks to Nicole, and then things got better, untill i brought Amanda into a private chat room and said some things to her, i didnt say anything mean, and i wasnt yelling, but i guess she thought i was , or something, then she left, and i felt bad because it looked as if it was my fault, but she came back later, she said it wasnt me, and we got on with our conversations, well, that wasnt the only lime i felt guilty for something that day, that morning my dad had given me a call, and i cost him 600 dollers on the phone bill, he said that it wasnt just me, but then he said that i used up the most out of everyone, ................-sigh-...... i felt horrible, i felt like i was just a horrible person,...... and i know that if i knew that i was doing it i would have corrected it, but really theres no way for me to know how many minutes im using up, the time flies when im on the phone, with anyone...... anyway, im fine now, and its getting better.......... slowly......... but is getting better................... anyway, ill post something new next time i have anything to say........... bye

August 2nd 2009

2009-08-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

August 2nd 2009................... well alot has happened, ive gotten alot accomplished and ive made alot of mistakes, but maybe, just maybe it will help everything in the end... so i see Nicoles blog has been canceled, i don't really know what to think, i think i know what happened though, but anyway, im on IM right now waiting to talk to her, its 10:10 right now and she said she was going to set her alarm for 8:00 well that doesnt seem to be the case, but ill keep wating for as long as i can............ anyway, so yesterday, alot happened with me and Katy, i took a chance and i told her what i was feeling, and its important, because it truly is what i was feeling, and so i told her, and just as i thought, she ended up super sad, and yes i can understand why she would be sad over what i said, and i get that,...... and it took about three strait hours of nonstop struggling to get things good again, it was really good, we got alot said, and now were better, well, for now anyway,... but for now is okay with me.............. anyway, ill put up anything new that happenes, byesss

August 1rst 2009

2009-08-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

August 1rst 2009.......................... ok well i just woke up, im not worried about it, because i don't think its going to happen,... BUT there is that slim chance.............anyway, its Katy, she sent me a text and well,.... heres what it said,....-sigh-..... it said : "hey Chris ... im kinda scared about going to Canada ..... i know its just a week but what if i find someone else during the time im away ... i don't know i just have big anxiety attacks about it ... im sorry i love you i just wanted you to know ."
and so when i woke up and read that i didn't know what to think,......... im just thinking that it will never happen,.......and so then i give her my usual morning phone call , she didn't pick up as usual in the morning, so i left her a long message, i said this, i sad: "hey, morning , i just wanted to give you a call, and uh, i........ i got your text,... and, Katy , i trust you, and it is ONLY a week, but,....... if you do happen to find someone else while your away, who you might, i don't know, who you might like better than me, and who might like you back.....you know im, im not going to hold you back,.... i love you, and i want to be with you, and, i......i trust you Katy,... see, im like the best guy you are ever going to know because im ok with just about everything, ... so i trust you in the whole meaning of the word and love you, i hope to talk to you soon, mwa! bye bye"............. -sigh- so now im actually getting worried, the more i think about it the more i worry,... but i do trust her, and i really have nothing to worry about, anyway,..... thats my day so far, bye.........

July 31rst 2009

2009-07-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

July 31rst 2009................... ok well heres something that i forgot to minchin before, it happened the day before me and Katy's date, well,.... apparently saying that another girls picture is "cute" is cheating,............ i had NO CLUE, ......... because apparently flirting with another girl is considered cheating, and so when i said that the other girls picture was cute i was cheating, WITHOUT KNOWING!!!, ..... Katy being the one that was hurt somehow let it go, and said that it was okay,..... she said that she wasn't going to break up with me,....... but just that i should know better..............-sigh-,............i felt so bad, i felt like nothing, like i don't deserve to still be with her, i felt like a complete worthless excuse for a boyfriend........... -sigh-.............. but she told me that it was okay,.............. she said she still loves me, -laughs a tad- she said "how can i ever stay mad at you".... -smiles-.... and then the next day we went on that date which was the most amazing day out of my summer, we both really had an amazing time, and so that made up for it :) anyway, so now back to today,.... today i woke up, gave katy a quick call, then slep some more, then got online, for some reason i knew that Nicole was going to be on, it was raining and thundering, and i just, i knew, i could almost feel it......... ( idk what "it" is so don't ask lol )...... and so i got on, and there she was, she was on, so we talked for a couple hours, then she had to go for dinner, so now i have no one to talk to :( well i txt Amanda real quick and ask if shes ok because her status on facebook was sad, and guess what ,... IT WAS FROM A FREAKING SONG!!!, i felt like SUCH an idiot........ well so then i say thanks and goodbye to her, then my dad txts me, he just wanted to how thing were going with it all,.. so i tell him, then say goodbye to him, then talk to my little bro on facebook a bit, god i feel so bad for him,..... he'll be okay though...... then i went through ALL my favorites on youtube and deleted al the ones that wasn't music, and now i have it set like a playlist so it will just play through all of them one by one by itself, so thats cool..... and so thats what ive done today and am still doing, i did all that, and now im listening to all the songs and typing this thing, OH!!! and waiting for Nicole to get online so i can tell her some stuff :) and yeah, so thats my day........ byesss <3>)

July 30th 2009

2009-07-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

July 30th 2009................... today was the most amazing day of the summer, NO LIE,.... so today i woke up, had my shower, and got ready for me and katys date, yeah, i said it, date, D.A.T.E., it was my first, and come to find out it was also katys first, so i was really happy about that,.......... ok so she had picked me up at 3... god she looked absalutly beautiful.....-blushes-, ( sorry i have NO car, or else i would have picked her up ) and her dad and mom drove us to the movie theater, she wanted to see "Year One", but it wasnt showing anymore :( and she was sad about that, but its ok, we went and saw "I Love You Beth Kooper", and it was an amazing movie come to find out, and yes we actually watched the movie lol, we had the previews to do whatever, and guess what else, it WAS JUST THE 2 OF US, we had the entire theater to ourlselves, there wasnt one other person in there with us, there was an inspecter guy with a clip board that walked in twice but other than that we had the entire time and place to ourselves to talk about and do whatever we wanted, so when there was a funny part or a sad part in the movie we didnt hold back our "haha's" and our "aaaawwww's"..... it was just all amazing, so after the movie we got all our stuff and walked out and over to the steak and sheak for dinner, JUST THE 2 OF US, we had pretty much that whole place to ourselves too for the most part, we both got the same thing and it was good, we had some more laughs and we actually talked, so there wasnt many long awkward pawses lol, YAY!, no gay babies on this day lol, anway,.... after we were through eating i payed for our dinner and we went to wait outside for katys mom to come pick us up, then she did and we were on our way home, we all talked in the car so it wasnt a long drive of silence lol, so that was good, OH, and she says her mom loves me -blushes-, so im extreamly glad im on her parents good side lol, so she pulled up to my house and Katy walked me to the front door, we shared one last kiss b4 she had to go, then we huged and said our "i love you's", .... and she walked back to her car and i watched them drive away the whole time i could see the car,....... as there driving away im saying softly under my breath "i love you"..... and then i went inside, layed down, to savor the amazing feeling of today, and i tried to talk to Nicole, but she wasnt on, so i went to take a nap, then katy txted me, and omg, i..............i loved the txt she sent me SOOOOO much,.... it was SOOOO sweet, and i love her,.... so i reply and we say our "love you lots", and so now im here typing this because its to amazing not to type on here lol, i loved today but i love Katy more, its times like today that make everything worth it, <3 ...... anyway, that was my day, one to remember :)

July 29th 2009

2009-07-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

July 29th 2009...................................... ok well, things arnt that great still,.............. every single day im having to convince Katy that im NOT EVER going to leave her, for Amanda or anyone for that matter, i love her, i LOVE her......... i cant leave her, i don't want to, i want to stay with her forever......................... but im afrade that shes not going to be able to handle me being friends with amanda...... i just, i don't want me and Amanda being friends to ruin me and Katys relationship,..... thats all its seeming to be,...... but i cant just forget about Amanda....................and last night i.................. it hit me so hard................. -sigh-............................. but im not sure where its all going to go, but im fighting this thing, for me and Katy, for our relationship, our love,.............. i cant not fight for that,.............. because its something worth fighting for............... so whats left,.......... what am i getting out of all this..................... i am trying, and im not quiting, but.............. its not helping,............ everyday is still a constant struggle in me and Katys relationship, and i don't want that for her, its not fair....... and i just want her to be happy, and i cant seem to do that -cries- i feel like im,.............. god! that pain in my finger is back -sigh-. i feel, like im,........ just causing Katy more and more pain that shouldnt be caused, i feel like, im just hurting her, and i don't want to do that to her, but i love her, and im sticking with it, no matter how long, or how hard, i WILL make things better, even if it kills me...................... well see how it all turns out, -prays-....................... and Nicole, im sorry i left last night, i just,.................. got hit with emotions that i didnt want to have hit me................... so im sorry,..........................-sigh-............ bye

July 28th 2009

2009-07-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

July 28th 2009.................... ok well, this is whats going on,.... remember when i had the whole conflict thing with Amanda and Katy?, well i thought we had worked everything out, but i guess i was wrong... it all happened again, and this time it was a million times worse than the first time.. i thought i had lost my love... and i just sat there, crying my heart out,.... -sigh-..... but in the end,.... fate chose to help me...... and "now", things are the way i want them for the most part, there is one more thing i want to try and help and fix and make all better.......... and i feel like no matter how much im trying to, its just,.... not enough............ but i don't care how much i have to "try" or "do"..... im never going to leave it be....... am always going to be "trying"........ even if it will be "so so much trying".................. -sigh- anyway, im talking to Nicole so i have to go, but ill put on another post the minute something happenes, bye

....................................

2009-07-27T09:59:00.001-07:00

................................................................

July 27th 2009

2009-07-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

July 27th 2009............ -sigh- last night was so incredibly tough, my heart was getting pulled and tugged and shuved in all different directions and it was tearing me apart, i was talking to Nicole and then Amanda started sending me messages on facebook, and i didn't know what to do, because i made a promise to Katy that i wouldn't talk to Amanda anymore and that i was done with her -sigh- wel i listened to what Amanda had to say, and i didn't say anything back, i just listened, well, i had never seen that side of her before..............thats the........... the side ive been trying to see from her for the entire year,............ it took something this exream for her to show it,............. and i realize now, that shes not doing anything wrong, she was trying her damnedest to be the best friend she could possibly be........-sigh-.......... and now i feel like an ass,..................... so now im stuck again...... i don't know what to do again................ im so scared that if i tell Katy that me and Amanda are still friends that she will break up with me,.............. and i don't want to loose her,........... what do i do???............ someone tell me, please!,.......... -sigh-............. im going to talk to her mom and see what she thinks i should do,....... her parents are cool about that stuff and they trust and believe me........... so wish me luck, ................-sigh- bye..............

July 26th 2009

2009-07-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

July 26th 2009.............. ok today i woke up then went to pack everything up so we could come home, well first let me go back to last night, something really not normal happened, and i wasn't planning on it happening, it just sorta did, and well i don't know if Nicole's herd yet but ill be sure to tell her next time i talk to her, thats if she would want to still talk to me if she hasn't found out already,..... this thing thats happened, im so so so scared that im going to intern end up loosing a lot of my good friends over it, mainly im scared to death that i might loose Nicole, i just hope that they all understand why i made the choice i did, and even though Amanda may not like it, its something that might be for the better, im not sure whats going to happen, but it may be good and it may be bad im just not sure, but im so so so SOOOOO scared that it might hurt me, and that i might end up getting my heart broken, -sigh-, im just in such a bad situation right now, i thought i had it all worked out but i guess not, anyway, im comfortable making the choice i did, and i just pray that i still have the rest of my friends if and when they catch wind of this................ -sigh-, ok well back to today, well i packed up, gave Katy a quick call and hit the road, so after the 4 and a half hour drive we unpack and my brother want to get home so he can go see his precious Jessica, ugh!, .... so that gives me an idea, im like hey if grandma and granddad aren't home would you mind taking me to Katy's so i could see her, and he said yes, well sadly it turns out that my grandma was home, well i have no choice but to ask for her permission to go see her, well i couldn't believe it but SHE SAID YES!, so im soooo syked, and i had a gift i bought her while i was in Sarasota, so that was cool, so we pulled up and her house looked just like i thought it would, im not even at the front door yet and Katy opens the door, im like hey, shes like hey you can come in, so i come in, say hi to her and her parents, get a better chance to see and talk to her dad, cuz the first time was at the bowling ally and i wasn't properly introduced, i just think that me and him got off on the wrong foot is all. so i was able to that, that was cool, so now she begins to show me around the house, she shows me the living room the kitchen and she says that her room is off limits, so im like awww jk, so anyway she showed me back to the computer room, and we sat down on the couch, i was able to give her the jewelery box i got her, it was cool... so after that she wanted to show me a video on her computer, and it was nice, it was a music video with lyrics i could relate to sooo well, so i loved that. then we pretty much spent the rest of the time i was there looking at video's on youtube, and it was fun, we were both laughing an having fun, and i think her parents like me a bit better now,.......... so then her parents were ready to go, so we got ready, kissed really quick so her parents didn't see lol, sooo sneaky lol ,. and we walking out to her garage, we talked a bit more and her mom and dad came out, we got in the car and they took me home, on the way back they were asking me all these ?s about how my trip went and some others, and that was cool, i really like her parents, there very nice, not to minchin cool with almost everything that has to do with me and Katy, and guess what, there going to take me and Katy to the movies on Thursday and after the movies they invited me to come back and eat dinner with thm, and now im exited, thats like a whole day with Katy, omg thats sounds amazing,............. anyway, thats all..........

July 20th 2009

2009-07-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

July 20th 2009............... ok so i didnt get t ohang wit hKaty at my dads, but thats alright, im going to see her one day when i get back, i need to, cuz shes leavin for canada in about 2 weeks so i need to, so ill try and fix that up for one day, anyway, i really need to talk to Nicole, but her enternest been screwy and she hasnt been able to be on, but im sure it will be fixed by the time i get back from sara soto, oh yeah, im leavin for sara sota in about an hour, so byes peoples, that means you Nicolo, and Katy, and who ever else reads this lol, anyway, can wait to get back so i can talk, cuz im not going to be able to use my phone while were down there, all im going to do is call Katy in the morning, and once at night, and not any during the day, so ill talk to you Nicole when i get back, byesss :)

July 18th 2009

2009-07-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

July 18th 2009................... ok, so today was like the most amazing day EVER!, Katy came over, my grandma finaly let her come over, so this is what happened, i was waiting for them to get here right, i see there car pull in the driveway and by this point my heart is like pounding -blushes-, so my grandma opens the door and i walk in, and first her mom walked in, and there she was, omg, she looks so beautiful, i would of huged her when she walked through the door but my grandma and her mom sorta started talking instantly, but then her mom said that she would be back to pick her up at 4, so that gave us 2 hours to do whatever we wanted, so first she asks to see the snakes, so i show her to my room, and she couldnt believe how many snakes i had, and so that was cool, but then i asked if she wanted to see one of them, and she did, so i get out duke, and hand her to Katy, she puts her around her neck and is like amazed by the snake, it was pretty cool, i asked if i could take her picture with the snake around her neck but she didnt want me too, so i didnt, but thats all good... anyway, so then we turn the tv on, so now were sitting at the end of my bed, the tv's on and shes got a snake around her neck, we she hands me duke so i put her up, then insted of sitting at the end of my bed i sujested we just lay down, so we did, i went around my bed and layed down, then she just scooted back to where i was by the head of the bed, so now where laying down and watching tv, well i get back up really quick and grab the year book, so i hand it to her and i lay back down, so now we start looking through the year book while laying down next to each other, we do that for another 20 minutes or so, then we start touching each other, in atepmts to find each others best tickle spot, well she found mine pretty quick, then it took me a while before i found hers, i started tickling her on her feet and toes, well now shes like rolling around on my bed laughing, im smiling , and were having fun, it was just great.... except for the one emberrasing moment i had, but its all good cuz that gave me a chance to atempt to make a move -winks- lol, and so i did, and it worked, so after all that -winks- were laying there again watching tv and now were just like laughing at the jokes and funny things that happened, every now and then she would tickle attack me out of no where and then i would do the same to her, and then we would just end up in each others arms everytime, so i loved that part......... well i notice that she sitting on her phone, so i grab it and it says one missed call, well i hand it to Katy and shes like "oh crap", "my mom called" well we both laugh, just because we were having so much fun and were laughing so much i guess we were just too cought up in the moment to here it ring lol, so she calls her mom back and she says that its 4 and shes on her way, and were both like "aaawww" we both didnt want it to ever end, it was so amazing and we were having so much fun, well we both get up and walk out to where my grandma is, and we both thank her for having Katy over, and so now im getting ready to walk her out, we walk through the hall way around the corner and we share one last kiss before she has to leave, and that was good too, she smiled and said she loves me, well now we get out to where the gerage is and i say "well i still owe you hug dont i" and shes like yeah you do, so i hug her, we just pretty much wrap ourselves in eachothers arms, i put my hand on the back of her head and hold her close just like i told her i would, she squeezed tighter and so did i, and we put our heads on eachothers shoulders , while im hugging her i say " god i missed you so much" and she says "me too", and i say " i never want to wait this long to see you ever agian", and shes like "yeah" , well we slowly let go of eachother, her mom pulls up, and we walk out together, her mom rolls down the window and says "thanks for having her over", and im like " no problem", "and no, thank you", and i look over at Katy in the car and i wave to her and say "see you soon", she says "i love you ", one more time, and we wave to eachother as shes pulling out of the driveway the entire way out, well even as there driving down the road im still waving, and then they get around the corner and i stop, i just stand there and smile.........
so you could say i had an amazing day today, to me this was one of the best days of my life so far, it was absalutly amazing, and nothing could ever take that away from me and Katy, i really do love her, and i want to be with her, no matter what anyone else says......... anyway, so that was my day, just amazing...........

July 17th 2009

2009-07-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

July 17th 2009................... so today i originaly had planned for Katy to come over so we could hang out an see each other, but,.... sadly my grandparent arnt going to be here, so it didnt work out, but im going to try again tommarow, so hopfully, she can come over tommarow, it might not work out again, but by god im going to try my damndest......... anyway, when my grandma gets home today im going to have her talk to Katys mom on the phone and then that way there isnt tenssion batween parents.....-sigh-....... but im really hoping my parents forget everything ive told them about her and just be cool with us, its making me feel like its my fault that were not able to see each other, its like the world is against us,..... every time we have tried to see one another it hasnt worked out, and we NEED to see each other, its killing me, i cant live without her, i need her, and she needs me,............... -sigh-
well with that being said, if tommarow ends up not working out then my dads going to pick her up on monday and she will be able to come spend the day with me at my dads the day before i leave for sara sota, and that to me would just be the best thing in the entire world, i would love thats SOOOOOOO much, we could go swimming, just lay down together on the couch and watch a movie or something, i mean theres not much to do at my dads but we would be able to be together and to me thats all that matters right now, is me being with her, and actually my dads is closer to her than here at my granparents, but of course my grandparents cant know that she would be coming over while i was at my dads, cuz as far as there concerned shes nothng but trouble and they think shes suicidal,..... well you have no f-ing clue how mad that makes me that they would say that, yes she has been a little different, but shes been so good, yes we fight every couple of days, and we have dissagreements, but we always work things out in the end, always, and then we go right on back to being happy with eachother, and i love her,.........so much...............-cries-..... and i dont think i could go that long without her,..............-cries-................. she does make me happy,....... and she does help me feel better,........... a lot more then i really tell people, well she is NOT the cause of my problems, but its my fault that my grandparents think the way they do about her,....... its my fault, there was some things that i told them cuz i thought it would be the better thing to do, but i was wrong, AGAIN, i made her look bad, and i didnt mean to , at all, i love her, and i would never want to do that to her, but i did, it was an acadent, and she knows that, but as long as shes happy then im happy,...... i love it when the people i love are happy, it makes me happy, cuz it gives us hope, and its not false, i know that.............

anyway, im beginning to get worried about Nicole,.... really worried,..... im shure ill have a chance to talk to her soon, but i need to make a phone call to a freind first, its important,... anyway, i hope i get a chance to talk to her soon, ill be online all day waiting if i need to, im just scared that somethings happened, but i mean who wouldnt be scared about that,......... so..... thats all for today.......... bye...........................

July 16th 2009

2009-07-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

July 16th 2009................ im sorry im not writing in here as often, i just dont have much time........ anyway,..... a bit has happened sence last time,......... well i got my phone back, it took 2 days, but i got it back, and well, not i realize how much i truly love Katy, even if our relationship does seem to be on the verge of destruction all the time, we still both really do "love" each other, and we dont want to break up,.... how do i know this, well after yesterday im not so sure she will ever want to break up with me, well she got a bit mad that i was going to this party at my buds house, well after what shes been through the past few days without me, i can understand why she might be a bit upset, well i fugure out that the party isnt till sunday, well then i just make the disition that im just not going to go... cuz its the day before im going to see Katy and she doesnt want me to go, well shes still exreamly upset, shes tired of me always seeing my friends and never her, well i try, i really do try my best to see her, but with my age its just really hard for me to get permishin to see her,and then tells me something that hurt me so much, she said "why cant i have a normal boy friend" , well then the thing about Amanda gets brought up, and how i need to choose wether i want to have Amanda as a friend or Katy as a girl friend, well its just to hard to choose, and im not choosing, so i called her and told her, "look, Katy, im not chooseing batween you and Amanda, i want you as my girl friend and i still want Amanda as a friend" well this is what i said, i said "i refuse to choose batween ya'll, so im going to let you choose"....... well by this time she has already called me a jerk about 3 times, and now shes crying, well i cant help it, this is something that NEEDS to be said,... but then she calles me a duche, well she told me she would never go futher that calling me a jerk, so now im hurt even more, well i tell her " Katy, im not chooseing, so im going to let you choose", i told her that our relationship is in her hands, not mine, and that if she still wants to be with me then shes going to have to exept that me and Amanda are friends, but, if she cant exept that my and Amanda are friends, then she can break up with me,........... but i told her, that no matter what happenes , that ill always be here for her, and ill always love her, and that i will never leave her................................ i.......... -rubs tears from eyes-.............i dont want to break up, i... i love her to much,......... i cant believe how strong the feelings i have for her are,........... and i know she feels the same way about me,.......... and we dont want to break up,.............. we would go all the way if we stand by each other through it all,............. well......................... she said.............. "fine"............. and i wasnt so sure how she meant it,.................. she could be saying "fine, go have Amanda as your friend cuz im done".......... or sghe could be saying " fine, ill be able to handle you guys being friends, and i want to still be with you".................. so i just wasnt sure,............ well at this time we are both crying,............ well she said "you know exactly what it means".......... so.................................. -sigh-....... were still together, she said she'll get over me and Amanda still being friends, and me and her can still be together,............. that just showed me how much she doesnt want to break up with me,....... i talked to her later that night, for about 3 hours, and well, it took a while, but i finaly started to be able to cheer her up a bit,........ then it got much better,........... right before 12 she said "aaaawwww noooooo" " i dont want you to go, cuz i........... i just love you so much"...... and she began to cry again, and me just hereing her cry made me cry,......... well we say our goodnight's and i love you's and sweet dreams....... -sigh-, ..... so everything is actually good, me and her made up, and everything is good,.................

also Nicole is good, so im exreamly happy about that :) and now im just sitting at that computer waiting for her to get on, and listining to "dont wana miss a thing" by aerosmith, so yeah, byesss

unknown

2009-07-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

im sorry but i for some reason am not sure what day it is,................. -sigh-.................. well.,,,,,,,,, Nicole, im so very sorry for everything ive done, it was wrong of me to be keeping you up so late at night, and im sorry i didn't do anything to prevent all this,........... well last night when we were talking was great, i loved it, like always, and at the same time i was was talking with Katy and that was also great, to a point, ....... -sigh-................ well. i got my phone taken away, and now they know almost everything, well , my step mom, as far as i know my dad doesn't know, and i hope to god that he never finds out, cuz ide be dead.......... well i already am, i wrote this like 5 and a half page note, explaining the way im feeling, wich im pretty sure is how Nicole is feeling, and im pretty sure that my dad will not like it,........ i just hope he understands why i had to write it, and i hope he apreatciats it, well i have no phone right now, i have absalutly no way of camunication, not by phone, nor by enternet, i shouldn't even be on right now, so now i have to go, but Katy, i promise you i WILL ba back as soon as i can, i love you very very very very much, and please, don't ever forget that, please........... and Nicole, i promise you i WILL be back as soon as i can too, i will, i just,.......... really need some time to think,....... and its going to really really really hurt me not to be able to talk to you and Katy, i cant be away, without yall im nothing,..... i feel unexistant,........-sigh-................ well i have to go now, i love both of yall, very much, more than yall will ever know,............ and i really really do care about both of yall,............ ill talk to yall as soon as i possibly can, i promise.......... be back in a few days, <3<3<3 byesss

July 11th 2009

2009-07-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

July 11th 2009.........................so thing still aren't good,............ the conversations me and Nicole are having are getting good, but "things" still aren't good, -sigh- i plan to tell me dad everything when i go to see him today, i might not get a chance to tell him till tomorrow though, but i still need to tell him, and if he does what he did last time, i swear to god im never telling him anything ever again, this is his one and only last chance,......... so anyway, thing are still bad, i....... no........ "we" need an answer, we deserve an answer, Nicole and i both do, so im going to see if me dad has a logical one for us, if not then,.......... i don't know what her and i will do,............ its a scary though really.......... because we cant go on like this,........... something has to change, hopefully sooner than later,......-sigh-. anyway, we talked for a while this morning, and it was good, im glad we did, it made me happy, except one part, but that was from my own doing so shes fine,. but i loved it,...... i hope to talk to her soon, and i guess ill go do something to keep me occupied for a while, byesss <3

July 10th 2009

2009-07-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

July 10th 2009.........................right now its 2:36 pm , i just got up,................... well, i have some things i need to discuss with you,................... well Nicole and I are not doing so well,......... we are having the same thoughts, the same feeling, and the same emotions,...... which is really scaring me, not because of the fact that there the same, but because of what the actual feeling or thought is.,....... now lately things have been different, all of a sudden every thing's changed,..... like someone just flipped a switch,......... im crying all the time, shes crying all the time, we cry together alot,........ just last night we cried at the same time,............ and it was almost out of no where, ........ well i saved the conversation to my computer, because i want to be able to go back through it,.......... and see what it was that made us cry,................ the conversation sorta was building up,..... and then,..... just..............tears..................... i don't know if she did,............... but i cried myself to sleep,.............. literally,.............. thats the last thing i remember,........... i was holding my pillow close,......... i was squeezing it tight,.............. and the next thing i know,............ im awake the next day,................ yes i had a dream,............... it was different though,................ so my last dream i was having, for about a week,............... i think last night was what it was, we were crying, thats what the dream meant, us talking was going to lead to both of us crying....................... i know she hated it, i did to a degree, i almost wanted to keep crying though, because i wanted it all out, i wanted it to finally stop, ................. i just.............. wanted it to.............. end,.............. and i thought that maybe crying would get rid of it all,... i don't know,.......... i was already crying,................ but then Nicole said something,.............. right before we left,.................... and what she had said,....................it........... it made me cry out loud,....................... i............ i couldn't believe she had asked it............ she knows what it is,................ and if she doesn't for some reason, im sure she saved the conversation to,.......... so she can go back and look if she wants,.......................... so yeah, .......... you can say that last night wasn't a very good night,.............................. thats all i have to say,............. goodbye.............................................................

July 8th 2009

2009-07-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

July 8th 2009..................im sorry i haven't been writing anything in here, a lot has just been happening lately and i haven't had time
lets see here, where do i start................. -takes deep breath-............. so my girl friends making me choose between her or one of my friends and it hurts, just because i don't want to choose, i want them both, but i got to,... i don't know what im going to do quite yet
thats pretty much all there is going on with her.......
now this next part might take a wile to type,...... here we go.........
okay my really good friend Nicole, well we have been talking a lot, and i mean A LOT,.... and i absolutely love it, but lately its been really different, -sigh-.......... ok well 2 nights ago me and her stayed up till like 7 in the morning, we talked for 9 1/2 hours strait, which was like sooooo amazing, words can even describe it... we got into some really deep stuff, like its the deepest conversation we have ever had. and it was so great,...... we talked about each other, and what we thought about some stuff, and we even faught for a bit..... but it was all good,..... so now the next day, i wake up late in the afternoon, like around 4, and i have like 3 messages from Nicole, well i reply to them hop on the computer and we start talking some more, which once again, im loving talking to her, and so some time passes and we start asking ?s to each other, so im like yay!, and well we got to one ?, and i thought, oh cool, but something went horribly wrong, i don't know where at, but it did... we were yelling back and forth at each other, not in a mean way but in a way to where we were trying to get the other one to understand or believe what we wee trying to say, and we were arguing over her, but it got pushed way to far, and i was crying. and an old feeling of hurt came back to me, i hate that feeling so much, i wasn't mad at all, i was just so so so sad, and she saw it, but i said that i had to go, that i cant talk, ... and it was because of how i was feeling after this hurt came back to me,.... she got worried, and i had left the conversation,....... now im regret leaving,......well she sends me a message on my phone saying that shes sorry, i replied but she didn't get them, i said that she has absolutely nothing to be sorry for,..... well the next morning, this morning, i wake up to the sound of my phone vibrating and its her, i was so happy it was her, i don't know why but just recently ive been getting uber good feelings when ever she texts me or sends me a message.. well we start talking, and the conversation mostly consisted of us apologizing for the night before, well after a while, once again something went terribly terribly wrong, and she had like a melt down and had no idea what to do, she was saying some things that were like, -sigh- i dont know, but its not like her to say those sorta things, so i said that i want to leave, and i said bye, i didnt even read what she said after that, i just left....and now i don't know what to think , or do, or feel,.... im worried shes going to be crying, or really sad ...... but i know, she will be fine, she will,.......... and she just messaged me so i should go, but Nicole when you read this, please know that every things okay, and im fine, and you should be too, byesss <3

June 30th 2009

2009-06-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

June 30th 2009........................im so sick of depression...... i never really knew what it was till this year, and now im wishing that i had never found out........... i don't know what to do as of now..... it seems as though everyone's out to break me and Katy up, i love her and i would never leave her, but at the same time, i don't want to cause her anymore pain and hurt than is already caused....... there's one person that actually understands, and im so very glad that i have that person to talk to, i love talking to her........... anyway, for the past two nights ive just laid there, for hours on end, ide lay awake, just thinking, ... thinking about my past, my present, and my future.................. and about what ive done, and what im doing , and what im going to do...... and just thinking about how i could have prevented all of this,... and how i can prevent it from happening again............. im just full blown depressed, and i cant take it......... and you know what, i guess the commercials were right, .... depression truly does hurt, everyone.......................... i feel like i don't have anytime left for myself, im so caught up with my friends and and my girl friend that im pretty much out of time................ the only time i have i spend playing ether my guitar or piano, or saxophone,... not because i want to, and not because anyone else wants me to, ... but because i have to,... its the only thing that helps me feel better, it gets my mind off of the depression and everything that hurts....... that's why i play and write this music all the time....... not because i want to, but because i have to, i need to......... anyway, im done talking for now, cuz talking just gets you into trouble, so goodbye, for now anyway.......................

June 29th 2009

2009-06-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

June 29th 2009........................... ok..... let me tell you what happened today............. i woke up, and my dad handed me me new phone, yay!.................... but then we had to leave to go take my meema to the hospital for an appointment, so i wasn't able to call Katy, -sad faced-.. but i started texting Nicole, and we talked for about, i dont know.... ide say about 3 hours or so....... i finaly got to the hospital and were still talking, .... but its all good.... i absalutly love talking to her..... i would talk to her all day if i could...... anyway...... i really hope she can get everything worked out..... i don't like seeing her like this.... but its ok, i know she will be just fine............ anyway, thats pretty much all i did today..... i talked to Nicole alot, went to the hospital, then i helped feed my little brothers snakes....... and now im writing it all on here,.... oh katy's calling me.... so i have to go.... but if anything else changes ill be sure to put it all on here.... bye.......

June 28th 2009

2009-06-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

June 28th 2009......................... ok so ive been thinking, and ive come to a conclusion....... theres something wrong with me..... i don't know what, but theres something, and its no ones fault....... not my dads...... not any of my friends...... if its anyones fault its mine....... and im willing to take the blame for it..... i mean, i have done soooo many things in my past that i cant even tell, just because there that bad, some done off impulse, some done off of guilt, or greed, and some ive done just because i wanted to see if it would make things any better, because it was a last option and i was the only one stupid enough to try.............. but you know, ive also done so much good in my life as well, maybe a little to much good, because thats who i am, im a good person, at heart... and sometimes i think thats my weakness, im TO caring, and im TO good of a person,... my granddad tells me i have a heart the size of our house, and that just makes me think even more, and it makes me feel even worse, because i know that me caring is just another thing to cause pain and suffering........ i mean just take my life right now for example, ok, i have few friends left, true friends, if i had to say ide say probably three, three TRUE friends left...... no more, no less, .... so what if ive done alot of good things in my life, yeah ive saved a friends life, i also stabbed a knife through that same exact friends foot, so ive made up for lost time and old mistakes with a friend, ive also lost that friend for what i use to truly saw her as.... all the good i do, feels like its just being turned around with bad things thats making each and every situation worse and worse, and they all seem to be at the worst possible times as well.....so with all of this, whats left..... whats let thats any good....... im 15, this isn't how where supposed to see the world, not yet at least........ im not going to lie, as of now there is very little left in my life........and what is left i love, deeply, and if i were to loose whats left, intern i would be loosing myself.................... so i have nothing left to say, ill be sure to write on here when i do......... bye

June 27th 2009

2009-06-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

June 27th 2009......................... im sorry i haven't put a post up in a wile, ive just been so busy....... so heres whats been up the past week or so.............. okay............... ive gotten so much closer to Katy and im happy about that, and i love that me and Nicole talk almost every day, i love talking to her so much....... and my friend Kyle has been awesome to me......... but thats the good stuff... now heres the bad stuff... ok........ my dad wont leave me alone about Katy, hes always brining up the whole "use protection" subject, im f-ing 15!!! im not going to do anything thats going to put me in a situation where she could get pregnant!!!... ive lost one of my best friends over having a new girl friend as well, i really miss her, but at the same time i hope she decides to never speak to Katy ever again, unless shes apologizing..... here, this is what she said, she said that me and Katy are a mistake and if i continue to be with Katy that shes going to be the only person i pay attention to and i wont have time for the rest of me friends.... she said that ever sense ive been going out with Katy ive turned into a complete and total jerk, and that shes changed me. and that everybody has noticed.... but im not going to believe her..... anyway, thats pretty much it, it doesn't seem like much but its enough to get me where it hurts... so with all this being said ide like to thank the following people for what they have done for me..............
Nicole- your absolutely fabulous, please don't ever change.....................

Kyle- your the coolest dude i know, and f-ing hilarious ...................

and ide like to thank the rest for what they have done to help........................
Josh, Justin, Jordan, Craig, Malissa, Marina, Angel, Craig Harp

June 18th 2009

2009-06-18T06:25:00.000-07:00

June 18th 2009...................im leaving for panama city in a few min, so ill be gone for 4 days, just a heads up there, ill see everyone when i get back... byesss everyone.... -cries, really sad faced-, still cant balieve we stayed up till 2 last night Nicole, lol

June 17th 2009

2009-06-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

June 17th 2009....................... ok ............... okay.............. i feel like nothing matters anymore.......... i fell like an asshole still............... but im just going to have to suck it up and eccept the fact that it sucks to be me............ anyway, .......... ok my friend kyle is absalutly halarious........... and im glad hes able to make Nicole laugh... and smile......... at least somebody can.......... and you know what, im not going to lie............ im am really jelouse.......... i know right, HUGE shocker, lol, but yeah....i am jelouse, of both Kyle and Cole..... just because they seem to make her so much happier............ but anyway............ all i can do is sit and wait to see how this whole thing plays out..................

so Katy has been absolutly amazing, we have been talking on the phone for once, and we can talk for hours on end when we are both in good moods, and she hasn't been AS bad with the whole getting mad at me for stupid stuff anymore, she still; does, just not as much and not as often...... but yeah, right now i feel like, like im being eaten alive on the inside, and i just want it to end.. the pain, the tears, the...... stress............ its all killing me and i just hate it......... but once again, i cant give up, and i cant stop........... i have to just keep pushing myself farward, and i must continue on till the end..............
so i kept my promise, my promise to Nicole that i would do nothing but happy talk to Kyle, just meaning that i keep my loud ass mouth shut!......... and i did, and i plan to keep it that way....
i dont know, i just.... i cant even begin to think of how i would ever explain how badly i feel , and how mad i am at myself for what i did, its somthing that unforgivable, and i realize that.........

so you havent missed much, just more deppression......... bye..........

June 13th 2009

2009-06-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

June 13th 2009........................... so i think that Matt's officially INSANE lol, ...... ok well let me go back..... so this morning i woke up right, im like super exited to see Nicole at her garage sale, well i get up , get a shower and head over to Matt's house..... so when i get there we start waling down to Nicole's........ so now im like, " Matt? ur not going to buy something insane are you " .... and hes like,,, "no not at all" haha i knew that wasn't going to happen.... so we get there right, we say hi and what not, we see Nicole and talk and stuff, but the very first thing he notices is these 12 inch speakers....... and i knew he wasn't leaving without buying them, lol, so he does........... not im like, "Matt?.... hes like yes?, i go,.... how do you plan on getting those home................ hahaha!!!, hes like, i have NO idea, lol............. so we talk and hang with Nicole some more, OH!!! i almost forgot.... i ended up buying a bobble head chuwawa and turtle, a huge fuzzy pencil, :) a maraca and a recorder .... now don't ask me why i bought all that stuff cuz i don't know, but i had to get something ..... haha... anyway, we said goodbye and what not and now comes the funny part, video taping Matt carrying this huge box ALLLLL the way back to his house, lol, i ended up carrying it though sadly, he could barely make it out of the drive way, but its all good,.... so we make it back to his house, his mom yells at him and it was just a good day.....................
i wanted to see Nicole to, i told her i would stop by for a visit some time over the summer and i thought this would give me a good opportunity to... im probably still going to stop by again later on just to say hi and see how things are going.... anyway, yeah todays been pretty good so far.....
i got so see Nicole, my girl friend hasn't yelled at me sense our long talk yesterday, and every things going good today..... i hope i didn't just jinx myself, lol...... probably not......... oh well..... ok byesss :)

June 12th 2009

2009-06-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

June 12th 2009......................... im beginning to wonder whats wrong with me,............. last night i cracked, i couldn't take it, i felt like dieing, for the first time in my life, ........ i wanted to give up............. but no matter how much i wanted to i just couldn't..... because there are so many people and reasons i have that i have to keep on fighting for, and thats why i didn't give up, and thats why i haven't and couldn't...... its just that...... with everything thats been going on, with my friends, with me, with there parents and my parents and....... Katy............ you know... its just so fucking stressful, and i just........ cant fucking take it anymore............ but i have no choice but to just take it and let things get back to normal in there own time...........
my dad, ha, hes great, i love him so much but....... he always seems to find the words i don't want to here at the worst possible times..... he asked what was wrong, and i said....... me........ im whats wrong........ and then he goes off once again about how i shouldn't let any girl or anything bring me down or feel like the way i do, hes like... its not worth it.....and that made me think, why...... i said i didn't want to talk about it with him ever again.... he respected that and said ok, then we said goodbye and hung up the phone...... this whole time im crying...... oh my god........ now i know exactly how......... never mind, forget i just said that.....
ive never been through some of the things my friend has, and i now know....... and it just... adds on to everything..........
its all good........ im dealing with it the best way i can, things are SLOWLY but sherry getting back to the way we all need them..... anyway, todays been good so far, ive talked to Katy, im on the computer and its not screwing up any and its a beautiful day outside, so yeah i feel a little better.

June 11th 2009 #2

2009-06-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

June 11th 2009 #2........................ i don't know exactly what to say, but i feel worse than ive ever felt before, im constantly crying, i feel like an asshole friend who doesn't deserve to even be aloud to talk to Nicole, i just feel like................. like hiring a hit man to come after me............ i feel so bad and theres no way possible for me to explain how mad i am am at myself to Nicole or anybody else........ i mean........ i don't even know if..... if were friends at the moment........ if this is how bad i feel than i couldn't even begin to Imagen how Nicole must feel,... ugh!!!! god!!!!!!.......what have i done?... -cries-......... ............. whats done is done, and theres nothing i can do to change it.......... all i can do is pray........ thats all i have left that i can do to do any good.......
ive lost like all my good friends in the past week, at least thats what it feels like to me, i have one or two friends left maybe that aren't mad at me for something......... or sad........... my life feels like its being crushed, ripped apart, striped from me........... because.......... my friends,........ are my life........ they are so important to me and i am just.......... no, im not even going to say it, theres no point.........

anyway, today was just a normal day, ish, i talked to Katy first thing in the morning for a bit, a bit more in the late afternoon, played my guitar some to get my mind off of Nicole, played the piano to, same reason, i learned a song.... a song that really means something, i learned you found me by the fray on the piano, and i cant stop playing it, i love it............... anyway, that was my day, depressing really....... :(

June 11th 2009

2009-06-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

June 11th 2009.................. i don't know what to say........... right now at this very moment im just in tears, and its all my fault....Nicole, im....... -sigh-....... i don't know why i said the things i did to kyle, he asked me why i was all depressed and teary eyed, and i said that im scared for a friend, and i asked him to let it go right then, but obviously thats not the case, i said that im scared for Nicole...... and she just doesn't need any of this thats happening to her right now, shes 15 for crying out loud!!!, she needs to get away and have fun and not have any worries in the entire world....... and that led to another thing that i said and another and eventually everything came out, and right now looking back on what i did, i really truly feel like i deserve the death penalty for it, i want to hurt myself so bad, but i cant, and im just so so so sorry... :`( -tears fall- and theres nothing i can do or say to change any of it, i don't know how to put how bad i feel into words, ive never felt so god damn MAD at myself in my entire life......... and its not that i know that your mad, but its the fact that your disappointed in me, that hurts so much, but i deserve what i get, and if you have something you feel that you need to say than please by all means ,..... say it.......... please..... speak what you feeling and what you think and just don't hold back..... please -cries-.......... i have nothing left to say,,,...... i just. i don't know why i said the things i did to kyle, i just did.......... it wasn't intentional, i didn't mean for it to end like this, now i just wish, that... that you would have never told me a thing, that way i would never of got the chance to hurt you the way i did....... and i just feel so SO BAD and i feel like im dieing on the inside because of it............ :( byesss Nicole :( -tears fall yet again-

June 8th 2009

2009-06-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

June 8th 2009................ im sorry i haven't put up a post in a while, its just that ive been so busy lately, i have a girl friend, i think...., im still trying to fix the stupid things i did to another friend, and im such an ass for it, so yeah you could say that my past few weeks have sucked ass, so i got my first kiss, so i had fun at the bowling ally last Friday , none of that matters, because i feel like ive lost a great friend, and i want her back, more than anyone could ever know, not to menchin some things that my friends have said to my girl friend that has pissed me the fuck off, like my friend Kyle, hes awesome and a great friend, he just has a tendency to run his mouth ALOT, and thats his weakness. he just said somethings to my gf that never needed to be said, omg, sound just like what i did to hurt Nicole, -cries-.... but what he said to Katy wasn't neer as bad as what i told him bout a friend, he had just brought up some things that had happened in Katy's past and it hurts her so soooo much to here them, and she deserves better, but with that being said, theres 1 more day of school left, im still hanging in there, im struggling in my relationship with Katy though, i just want her to be happy, no matter what that means, shes so great, but...... i still don't know how to act with her, like if i should just go right up to her and kiss her or if i wait till she want to, you know?. its just stupid stuff like that that consernes me just because she wants this and she hasn't told me, so how am i suppose to know how to act if she doesn't communicate with me one that.... ill see what happens tomorrow, i think i know what to do to get her to realize that i can be aggressive when i need to be or when i want to be,,, anyway, so thats what u have missed these past few days, sorry everyone!! :(

June 3rd 2009

2009-06-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

June 3rd 2009.............. ok ok ok ok ok................. so get this ok....... lolz, so today something happened, something that it a once in a life time thing...... i had my first kiss today, it was exactly how i pictured it being, it was amazing........ well yeah, i don't need to go into detail, so anyway, with that being said.... today was a pretty good day for once., played volley ball in hope, did nothing in language, band i talked to Taylor, lunch i just listened to this old guy yell at us, then in math i just couldn't wait to see Katy after, then i went to science and did this stupid packet for the exam, then intensive reading was boring as fuck, lolz, excuse my French... but yeah, that was my day, f-ing amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

June 1st 2009 #2

2009-06-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

June 1st 2009 #2...................... okay, i..... i just, don't know anymore, i don't know whats the truth or whats lies, i don't know who's telling the truth or who's telling lies... i wish so much that i knew........ -cries-..... and i feel like ive just been hit with a bomb of emotions which i don't even know how to begin to describe.... and i just..... -cries-.....

there is so much more i want to tell a friend..... but i wouldn't know how to word it, without it sounding weird, or without it sounding like i...... i dunno, i just wish i knew what to tell her, and i wish i knew how to word it...
sorry.... : (
-tear runs down cheek-......

June 1st 2009

2009-06-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

June 1st 2009................... today was a pretty good day, im so glad i have my friends, and im just really happy, but anyway,.... so my girl friend, Katy, we ended up breaking up over the weekend, not because one of us were mad or because one of us did something wrong or didn't like one another..... its just that, her parents.... they don't approve of me, and they think im way to young for her... which sorta kinda pisses me off, just because she is only 2 years older than me.... but oh well, i made sure that we can still be friends and then i said goodbye...... well today, at school, she acted like we had never broke up, she was happy and we were still giving each other hugs, so i know she still likes me, and i know i still like her...... well when i got home i got a text message from her..... it said "i don't care what me parents say!!! i love you Chris!!!"......... and i just....... didn't know what to say, shes the only girl to ever tell me that they love me before..... so i just didn't know what to say.... i ended up saying that i feel the exact same way..... i said some more, but it doesn't need to be repeated..... so yeah, were back together....... at least this time it wasn't because one of us wanted another chance, it was because she really likes me, and im glad, ..... with every hug i give her, i just like her that much more........... its awesome...... anyway, that was my day, okay, cool, and worth talking about... : )

May 31st 2009

2009-05-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

May 31st 2009.............. aw, :(... its the last day of may, school is coming to an end, and im going to miss each and everyone of my friends so very much over the summer, but ill keep in touch, promise..... its just that right now, were all in this time period where we need our friends, we need the comfort, and the support, and.... each other...... but its only for a while, not to terribly long, but long enough to make me want to cry, some i will visit during the summer, others i will just talk to on occasion, but i really have come to know a few select friends this year better than i have ever known them before, and im so glad that i have, i think its good for all of us that we had gotten to know each other a lot better, just because, these friends, aren't just friends anymore... the normal friends are all well and good, but the good friend who you trust, why you actually want to talk to on a regular basis, the friends who are more than just regular every day friends... those are my friends, and i am so very lucky, and thankful for being able to get to know and to be friends with these guys, so i thank you :) I love each and every one of y'all and i will never forget the times weave had, and the things we have been able to overcome with each others support, its just been one hell of a year, and i will never forget..... y'all........

special thanks to : THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Nicole
Amanda
Angel
Craig
Josh

May 29th 2009

2009-05-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

May 29th 2009....................... today was alright.... i tried to get people together again at my house so we could hang out, mostly i just wanted to bring Nicole to the dock, everything was planned perfectly, every tiny last little detail... but sadly her mom said "no", so she couldn't go... i was sad, i know she was.... anyway, the day wasn't as fun as it would have been with Nicole but we tried to have some fun... and don't get me wrong, there were moments that were really fun, but i think we all secretly wished that Nicole was there... anyway, we went to the kangaroo, then watched some lady get yelled at by deputy Williams, thats was cool, then we went back to my house for a bit, then we all walked down to the dock..... and then it was all sighs just because of the given circumstances, it was still breath taking, and thats why i wanted Nicole to be there..... anyways, its all good, there will be other weekends like this to together on...... so yeah, we watched the sunset, took some pictures of it for Nicole to see, then we headed back to my house to chill.... we played guitar, took out a few of my snakes, and just chillaxed, lolz....... then, OH... MY ....... GOD........ ok listen to this....... my girlfriend texts me right, so im like hey, how are you , how was your day... and she says, looks like im going to have to delete your number sense i dont know you, i don't know you, i don't trust you... BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!...... its getting so annoying listening to her ramble on about how i broke up with her before and that just makes me feel even more like an ass every time she f-ing brings it up...... to i was like , thats it , i cant take her any longer......... to i just replied, fine delete my number because were through!!!!!!!........ lets just say she didn't like hearing that..... she flipped out, she kept calling me, and i just kept clicking the ignore button.... well untill she texted me saying to please pick up your phone, i had just though she was mad...... OH NO... i was so so so wrong... so shes now texting me saying, im sorry... im sorry im so f-ing sorry... i should just go die shouldn't i?... -cries-....... well then the next time she calls me i answer, i say Katy, she just starts pleading her case, and im listening to her say shes so so so sorry for treating me that way, and that she feels like an ass hole and that shes just so very very sorry....well now im like, listen Katy, i cant take you being happy one day, than mad at me the next, i told her that i just cant seem to keep her happy, and that thats all i want is for her to be happy......... so shes crying her eyes out on the other end of the phone call, im just like AAAHH!!..... but we made up, shes sorry, im sorry... and i think she finally trusts me again, and all it took was for her to realize how horrible she was treating me... but oh well, things are hopefully better now, what we both went through tonight isn't something you can just, stay mad at someone for, like, the way she apologized, she meant it, and im so happy she realizes that she cant act that way with me..... but yeah, so this was me day, fun fun,, ha right.............

May 28th 2009

2009-05-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

May 28th 2009............... so today was a bit better day, it wasn't at first but it ended up being a good one... towards the beginning of the day this girl ive been going out with didn't want to talk to me for some reason, but then later on in the day we talked and straitened up some things, so its all good now... anyway, tomorrows gonna be sweet!... cant wait... im getting ready to go where were going to go tomorrow, i love it there so much, its peaceful, beautiful, quiet, tranquil... i don't know, theres just something about it, ive been there everyday this week, for like 5 hours or more ill be out there, till way past dark... anyway, ill write it on here how everything goes tomorrow... so yeah, that was my day, good, i cant complain.......

May 27th 2009

2009-05-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

May 27th 2009.................. ok so at the moment im happy, my friends are happy, and im happy.... so last night i was asking for some advice from a few of my friends, Nicole, Kile, Josh etc...... and they all sorta told me the same thing, so i didn't know exactly what to do, well the thing with this girl, i didn't know if i should give her another chance, but i did, and im glad i did, so now her and me are officially back together, and its all good..... so yeah, today was a heck of a lot better day........ still cant wait till Friday, i just hope that i can come up with enough things for everyone to do to fill up the day, yeah i really wouldn't want anyone to get bored, ha that would be lame... lolz... anyway, i think it will be cool, and yeah Nicole should know by now that my hints are sorta pointless, but i know she wants to know, so ill give her one last hint... HINT: bandanna...... there you are Nicole, you final hint, and ya it wont give it away but it is part of the twist....... hope you can figure it out.... good luck.... :)

My 26th 2009

2009-05-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

May 26th 2009................ okay, i don't know what to do now...... to make a really long story short, i got together with this girl, broke up, got back together, and now were broken up again...... but.... she wants to change the way she acts so that things could work out between us.... i don't know if i should just dump her, try to patch things up or just give up on her..... i don't know if i should give her another chance, but she gave me another chance..... i don't know, ill just have to think long and hard about this one...... holy shit my friends are going to think im crazy.... oh well.... ill see what happens anyway....
so besides that me weekend was pretty good, i caught a bunch of fish in palatka and it was just awesomeness.... lolz.... oh and my baby cousin katelin fell in the water, i had to jump in after her cuz she cant swim, so ya that sucked, i hope she learned her lesson cuz i don't plan on jumping in that water again...... but ya, my weekend was awesome, yet awkward and weird, but oh well.... oh and i cant wait till Friday, its going to be so cool to see the look on Nicole's face....... so ya that will be cool....... and ya, nothing really new, everything is beginning to get back to normal, so thats good... im just glad to see Amanda and Nicole smile again........ anyway ya thats whats been up....................

May 23rd 2009

2009-05-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

May 23rd 2009................today i woke up late in the day, around 2:00 pm.... i took a shower, got ready to leave for Palatka, then was told that were not leaving till tomorrow.... i was like YEAH!!!!!...... so then we rushed up to wallgreens to get some b-day cards for my grandma, did her birthday things, and then at this point i just had to get the hell OUT of this house, because there was two babies here and they both were screaming and hollering, so i left..... i didn't know where i was going to go though, but i still left, and then i decided to walk back to marrywood where i was yesterday, that way i could think about things that have been going on..... its so beautiful there, ts peaceful, its quite, and no one can disturb me there... its like my place of peace and tranquility..... i love it there....... i hope Nicole can come to the get together next weekend, that way i can bring her there, and theres another twist, i don't know if she will like the twist part, but its only for a little wile, then she will be surprised, at least i hope she will be....... i don't know, ill see next weekend if she is.... i already have everything planed out, i also already know what im going to say, i want everything to be perfect..... she deserves it to be perfect................ anyway, i went there today, i just sat, and thought, thought about life, thought about how things could have been if i would have done things differently, i dunno, i just thought about the ones i love, the ones i pray for every single night, the ones i really do truly love..... -cries-.............. i think being out there helps me cope with alot of this, i think it really does......... anyway...... that was my day, very good..............

May 22nd 2009

2009-05-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

May 22nd 2009..................... okay so today was a better day, i think, my friends Cole Matt Jordan and Kile came over today, Kile had to go home early though, but thats fine..... we went down to the dock in marrywood and sat, and i just looked out into the water , it was so beautiful. i wish Nicole could have come though, but its okay, were going to try to see if she can come next weekend.... anyway, we talked, it was good, im glad we did. i just dunno, theres just something about her....... but yeah, so we came back to my house, went to my bros room and we just chilled.... now its just me Cole and Matt, Matt's going to spend the night, so thats cool, at least everyone had fun, i was worried it would get boring, but it didn't. it was fun... so yeah, that was me day, better, not good, but better than yesterday............

May 21st 2009

2009-05-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

May 21st 2009.................. I.... i just...don't know what to say anymore, about anything. and i guess thats probably a good thing. and i am sorry, i know i shouldn't say that word, but its the only thing i know how to say anymore. i cant put into words the feeling i have right now, its a combination of a good feeling and a feeling of sorrow, and pain, guilt, remorse, hurt, love........... and some more i cant think of right now. what am i doing?. i ask myself that everyday. and i can never find the right answer. its always the answer i don't want and the answer that makes thing that much worse....
i know things will get better, they always do, i just don't feel like waiting this one out. but ill try...................

May 20th 2009

2009-05-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

May 20th 2009........................... okay......... okay..... thats it, i seriously can't take it anymore, when will this time of pain just end!. nothings right, everything is so screwed up, i hate it, i hate it with a passion. and i cant do a freaking thing about it!!!. i want to help both Amanda and Nicole so much, i don't necessarily want to help the situation but i want to make all there pain go away, and i just, really really need things to go back to the way they were. its not right, okay, when either one of them are not themselves im not myself. its like i have the same emotions they have, like there linked together somehow. when there sad, im sad. when there happy im happy. i dunno, its just weird yet so cool. but not now, nothings the same anymore, my days are filled from beginning to end with depression, and pain, guilt, and remorse... im sorry to everyone, even if i didn't do anything, i cant help but feel partially responsible.... *tears fall down cheek*..........

May 19th 2009 #2

2009-05-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

May 19th 2009 #2...............

T.E.A.R.S.........
*The things we treasured, hated, and denied.
*Everything that seems to make the worst out of every situation.
*All the ones who cared and loved with all there heart.
*Remembering the past for the good and never the bad.
*Something im sure we can all hold on to till the very end.

TEARS.......
I sit, and i wait, for the ones i love around me.
for they laugh and they smile, i think its all gone.
but the sight of seeing her cry, how could i not see???...

it kills me to see her tear up so, i ask not, because i know all she wants to do is go.
if not now then when, will this time of hurt, pain , and tears,
just go away fast please, because we all know that the end is near...

May 19th 2009

2009-05-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

May 19th 2009.............so today was one of the more depressing days of my life... why... well.... today when both Amanda and Nicole walked up the stairs in the morning i instantly knew there was something wrong. and i was right. they told me what it was and i didn't know what to say. i just said "sorry".... then to make matters worse, Amanda got called down to the office, we all knew what was going to happen, i just told her that everything was going to be okay. i knew she was going to come back crying, and she did, and im not going to lie, when i say the tears running down her cheeks, i was completely crushed inside, i wanted to just, i.... i don't know..... and Nicole, oh my god, okay im completely just wanting to talk to her, because it seems to help, and anything i can do im going to do it. so yeah, that was my day today, and probably will be for the rest of the week or month or...... forever..........

May 18th 2009 #2

2009-05-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

May 18 2009 #2............ ive been thinking..... and ive come to realize, that, everyone has there own problems, and no ones perfect. no one person can change the everyday issues we all face, and no one person can change the problems that we all have that are very rare, and don't occur often. there are just so many horrible things that happen, and everyone of us see these things up close in person at one point or another. so whats left thats worth living for, if there are so many things in this world that are bad and depressing than truly, what is it that gets us through each and every day, what is it that we hang on to that helps us live these days we do?... im not sure what it is, but what ever it is i think ill hang on to it a wile longer... i think it it may just be moral support, or the things the people you love around you say or do. i don't know really, but i don't care, as long as it continues to help me and the ones i love truly in the way that, it gets all of through this time in our lives right now, and we don't get taken down from a couple emotions, or feelings of pain, or regret, or..... love......... i just know that everything will continue to get better, even if it feels like your at the end of the tunnel, at the end of your road, and you don't feel like moving forward. it ( things) will get better, we all have our entire life ahead of us, and all it ( life) can do is get better......... you will see....................

May 18th 2009

2009-05-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

May 18th 2009............ good day, it wasn't amazing but it was good. so, Amanda, she has some payback getting ready to be thrown her way, why. okay, so today she told me that she had her phone taken away right, and i was like okay, so what do you want, and she was like your phone, and i was like okay, here. i handed it to her....... biggest mistake of my life!!!!!!!..., i was thinking i was going to get it back like a few minutes later right... well i was soooo wrong, apparently i don't get it back till tomorrow. I NEED MY PHONE!!!!... i cant live without it, what if someone calls it or texts it or something.... AAAHHH!!!.... oh well, i just know that theres some serious payback heading her way, and if only you saw my arm you would know the real reason why...
so anyway....... besides that my day was alright, i went to all my classes, i didn't run into any walls, and im not dead..... yet..... jk......
oh yeah.... i almost forgot
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 17th 2009

2009-05-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

May 17th 2009............... today i don't know what the hell happened, i woke up, then... nothing, i remember talking to a few of my friends and thats it, i was bored as hell, and i talked to my friends. im not sure what i said wrong to Amanda, i just... i dunno, i just wish that me caring wouldn't be a weakness, you know, i just want to know if my friends are heading in the wrong direction so that way if i can help i will, i mean really, if you don't know, you can't help. i don't mean to act like im butting into other peoples busyness, i just want to know things and make them better... it really does seem that every time i begin to care i get yelled at, or i piss someone off. and i truly don't mean to, i just really care... my granddad says i have a heart as big as our house, and i think that really is my biggest weakness, i just care so much... i love each and everyone of my friends, all in there own individual way, thats why im glad i have the friends i have, because there different, in a good way... there not just friends,....... ok, Amanda's the coolest person i have ever met, no lie, Nicole is like my best friend, at least i consider her my best friend, Josh i just josh, and i hope he never changes, no one person can act like him and have the same personality if they tried, Craig is a beast at the guitar, and hes so cool to hang out with, Angel is so funny, crazy, and insane, but thats just her, shes an insane person, and thats cool. i don't know, i just... i hope that they are all still here next year, i hope we still hang out, and have these awesome parties at Jordan's, i just don't want anything to change anymore than it already has............................

May 16th 2009

2009-05-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

May 16th 2009.......... i think that things such as going to school, waiking up, walking to a friends, having a good time etc... are the things that all of us tend to take for granted and yet very few of us really see what great things they all are, and we should never take enything for granted and be so very thankfull for all the things you enjoy and just know that each and every day is a gift, a gift from god, and we should exept that gift and be very extra thankfull for it...
so anyway, my day wasn't to tarrably bad, i woke up, took a shower, went to my dads to hang with my little bro and ya, it was pretty awesome. exept for the overdose of bordome but i can live with that. so last night i found out that one of my friends likes me, shes cool and all but i really truly think that if i were to go out with her that i wouldn't have time for her,i bairly have time for the friends i hang with every day, i feel bad though, oh well, sorry. so ya thats how my day went, awesome, boring as hell, but still awesome...

May 15th 2009

2009-05-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

May 15th 2009............. ok so today was flipping amazing, i was suppose to go over to my friend Jordan's house directly after school so i could help set things up for Nicole's birthday right, well it was allot more difficult than expected. i had my friend Kile come home with me that way it would be easier for my brother to drop us off, but he wanted his girl friend to come to, so now we have to drive all the way down past freaking weedman's and pick this girl up out in the middle of no where. anyway, after we got her we rushed to Jordan's house so we could help set up... so we finally get there and we set things up, and now we are just waiting for people to get there, once everybody is there they just began to accumulate in the pool, it was funny to see everyone getting mad that i was the only one not in , i was playing the guitar and didn't feel like getting in, but then Nicole asked me to and i can't say no to her, so i jumped in and glad i did... so now by this point its beginning to get somewhat dark, so me and Amanda go inside to get the presents ready for Nicole to open, we walk back outside with a huge tray full of cupcakes and in one of them we had a candle lit for her to make a wish from, i feel bad though because i ran inside to turn off the music so we could sing happy birthday but by the time i was back outside they had already sang and were eating the cupcakes, but it was weird because out of nowhere everyone was covered in cupcakes, i had one on top of my head and one stuck to my nose, and everyone else had icing all over themselves , it was awesome... so then Nicole began to look at cards and open presents, lets see, she got, an i-tunes gift card,a bunch of candy, an amazing card from Amanda, five dollars and i got her a new cloth covered note book, a framed picture of me Amanda, Josh, Craig and Angel, and a dvd i made... i think the dvd was the coolest present ive ever given, i don't know, i just have never made a dvd before... it had a slide show of pictures of me Amanda Josh Craig and Angel. and had some bon jovi music on the background. i hope she got why i put the song i did on there, its not just a song anymore, it basically describes our life right now perfectly. anyway, at the end of the dvd there were some videos of us screwing around in math class, everyone thought it was freaking hilarious and now i have to make like three copies of the videos on cd's for like three different friends. but whatever, so after she opened it we watched it, then we were just siting at my friend Craig's house because his parents weren't home for some reason and we could just chill, so we did, then we got to talking and i found out that we have some of the weirdest conversations with all of us together. it was awesome. but then i had to go, so i gave a goodbye hug to Amanda and Nicole, oh then they met my grandma, that was cool... so i ran to Craig's for my shoes and realized they were back at Jordan's, so i gave another goodbye hug to Nicole, ran out the door, ran back to Jordan's, got my shoes, and went home, and now im finally clean of cupcake and im worm.... so yeah, you could say my day was pretty cool. at least Nicole had a good birthday, thats all that matters.....

May 14th 2009

2009-05-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

May 14th 2009............ okay so i aficually cant wait till tomarow... its going to be so flipping amazing, i got my friend Nicole three things for her birthday and i dont think she knows about the third one just yet, oh well she will see tomarow, my friend josh got her, well i dont know what he got her, and quite frankly i dont really want to know. then Amanda got her, oh well i dont know what she got her eather, ha, this is going to be so cool..... i just want to see the look on Nicole's face when she sees this..... so anyway today was another good day, one of my friends that i dont really talk to that much is very deppressed though, she told me she is suicidle... i didn't know what to say to that, i hope she gets past it all and starts to feel better. im pretty sure that Nicole is feeling better to, and Amanda and me are cool again, i think, but yeah that was my day today, good, awesome, and amazing..........